If it wasn't for the Internet, I'd probably still be going around believing that men never saw women undressed, that girls didn't like sex and no-one even discussed it in their company, that the girls who appeared in magazines with little or nothing on inhabited a different world, along with starlets and such like.

Thanks to Harrison Marks, I thought that's what women  looked like ‘down there' - I was forced to look at a couple of his mags at school when a lad brought in a stack of ‘dirty' magazines (I was terrified my secret of being just a wanker would be found out if I didn't join in with the other lads).

I did collect magazines of course - 1000s of them over the years. It was the only way I got to see girls show, apart from occasional lucky views. Even then, if I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time to see a girl showing, I couldn't just look - ‘Golly' at school (my nick-name), or the timid spotty creep from the stores (one workplace), or ‘Wankalot' (my nickname at another short-lived for obvious reasons workplace) wasn't allowed to ogle, not without being told things like "you can take your eyes off you stupid creep", or "who said you could look you wanker - fuck off!"

Luckily for me I was happy to see girls fully-dressed, specially if sexy-dressed or skimpy-dressed. I had a lovely time most (summer) evenings or week-ends hanging out my window watching girls walking by. Some of the regular passers-by girls made me spunk many times. Lovely feelings of guilt and humiliation if I sometimes bumped into them in the local shop.

I was lucky enough too to sometimes see girls from school I worshipped and spunk watching them walk by, girls at work too that I worshipped. Those were special pants-spunks, nothing better than cumming seeing a girl you worship for real - fully-dressed of course, I never spied, and never needed to, as fully-dressed lovely sexy girls were all I needed to see to get my perv sex pleasure.

It wasn't until the 80s that I saw movies where the girls were undressed, even though there were men around. I thought girls in mags were not like the rest of us, somehow they couldn't be real? Not showing like that at any rate. But when I saw girls in films partially or even fully undressed, walking, talking, moving, laughing, dressing and undressing - well that was a first for me. Girls actually must do that then?!

Of course the lads at school discussed their exploits, and while I was not privy to those conversations - I was a loner, and still am - I overheard things which I simply didn't understand. Not that it bothered me, I was more than happy with my life as a 100% full-time pervert girl-worshipper and mac-wanker. But when I heard expressions like ‘leg-over', or ‘gobble', or ‘giving Her one' - never knew what the ‘one' was - or any of the other slang expressions, I was mystified.

Whenever underwear was discussed, I was much more with it though - I collected every lingerie catalogue I could find, wherever I found it. Holiday brochures too, and in fact any publication or material featuring girls. If I saw a pic of a girl, I had to have it. So when I heard a lad at school boasting that he could ‘take her bra off with one hand', I knew exactly what a bra was, but why She needed his help to do that, presumably under Her blouse or whatever, I didn't know.

I knew what was in a bra - I spunked my pants 1000s of times seeing girls, mostly in their tops which was always enough. I thought he was just being gallant, specialy as I couldn't decipher the rest of their conversation - "yeah she dun'alf go that bird".

Although as censorship got more lax over the years, so that sometimes on my trips to Soho I saw mag covers in the porn shop that disturbed me, though I had no idea exactly what was happening, and then a VHS tape in a bookshop in the late 80s. By this time I was middle-aged but still completely ignorant, and happy in my ignorance. With my magazines and ‘wanking-walks' in my ‘dirty mac' my needs were being fulfilled. At least until I discovered a greater and more satisfying need.

The VHS tape was playing in a dirty bookshop on a little TV, this would have been maybe 1988 or 89, and I thought a man was assaulting a woman in the video, and when I nearly panicked and protested to the shop lady, She burst out laughing. She knew I was just a perv and wanker as I'd bought probably 100s of mags from Her over the years and She'd seen the spunk-stains on my trousers and the holes in my mac pockets.

That was my first introduction to men and women ‘doing stuff', though I couldn't see what (censorship in those days prevented anything explicit). I knew what it was like to press up against a bar or stairway and cum in my pants watching a girl walk by, but I didn't know there were blokes who'd press up against a woman. Was it to do that? What did She think about it? Wasn't that why She was making a noise like She was in pain? The shop lady obviously thought it was alright so I guess it must be.

Fortunately for me I wasn't exposed to that again for a long time. There was one occasion though when I was in my late 50s, and in a bookshop where the lady (Miss Debbie) knew what I was. She'd seen my stained trousers, She'd seen in my case of toilet paper-crammed dirty books, She'd seen me buy 1000s of mags from Her over the years, and She'd seen the wet patch on my trousers on the occasion She was wearing a miniskirt and made me spunk my pants in the shop.

I'd bought a mag with a bosomy girl on the cover, but it turned out to be an explicit mag with men and girls doing stuff - I couldn't help noticing what was in the pages before I realised my grave mistake and hastily put it down. The images played in my head for days as I tried to make sense of what I'd seen, and I came to the realisation that on the two pages I'd initially opened, there was a girl with a man somehow up against Her - could it be actually inside Her? How did THAT work??

And the opposite page was the same man and girl but She had Her tongue on his erect penis. I can't tell you the shock I experienced seeing that. Surely mags depicting scenes like that where a girl had been forced to do stuff with a man should be outlawed. Could it be that She was a slave and he expected Her to clean his penis? How horrible of him if so.

Miss Debbie was always happy to exchange mags so I took that one back, mumbling something about not expecting to see what was in the mag. Then I asked Her naively "do girls really do things like that?", genuinely worried about what I'd seen, and She tactfully replied "I suppose they must do". Obviously She knew I was an utter perv and total wanker so it wouldn't have surprised Her that I knew nothing about sex - and didn't want to.

The Internet was a crash-course though, even though in the early days there was nothing like the graphic stuff you get now - even just clicking on a link with no intention of looking at stuff like that but finding it all over the webpage. As I was forced to see scenes that I found disturbing - and made me feel guilty for being a mere useless wanker - things in my memory started to make sense for the first time.

For example, I worshipped a girl at school and at an end of term party was hoping to find a way of watching Her and maybe even cumming in my pants as I did. However there was no sign of Her, until the phone went, someone answered it and called out "Julie! Phone!" Miss Julie had emerged from an upstairs bedroom, which puzzled me - it was mid-afternoon. An odd time for a nap, surely? Why would She be tired at this time of day?

I stopped wondering when She started to descend the stairs in what looked like a very short dress, unbuttoned at the top. I was stunned when I saw Her stocking-tops, and realised in my daze that She was only wearing Her school blouse. As far as She was concerned I wasn't there, like always She seemed oblivious of my presence, but by the time She got to the phone my pants were full of cum.

You'll all know straightaway I expect what She was doing in that bedroom.

There were other events which when they came to mind I was now able to explain, but I wasn't particularly interested in knowing any more about people ‘doing stuff'. As long as I could see my raised-skirt, stocking-tops and knicker show pics, and cleavage, even bikini pics, I was happy.

Even the more modern photos where girls weren't just being glamorous, but actually more explicit, sex-orientated, were too much for me to look at whenever I was unfortunate enough to stumble across them. When the girl is partially undressed and looking at the camera like She's looking expectantly at a lover, well it terrifies me.

Not that's there any likelihood I'd ever be in that situation. Once at a school party I suddenly realised that I was in imminent danger of being alone in a room with a girl, quite by accident, because everyone else there had paired up and gone off, and that was enough to have me dashing for the door in panic. What would I say? What would I do? I hadn't a clue and I made sure never to find myself in that situation again. Not that the poor girl would have had any interest in me of course.

When I'd discovered worship-in-person, years and years later, there were two occasions where the subject was raised. Miss Melanie, who was also an escort though I didn't know it at the time, which was just as well, suggested She could do more - very unsqueamish of Her. I guess She hadn't worked out yet that I was a perv who never did stuff, didn't even think about it. She really worried me though for a moment.

Miss Danica said to me at the last Worship Session with Her "I bet if I jumped on you you'd run a mile!" laughing as She did. I can't imagine She'd have the slightest interest in doing that with a disgusting perv in his dirty mac who She knew would cum in his pants just seeing Her cleavage. It still jangled my nerves at the time though.

I'm easily satisfied - seeing cleavage or a girl in a micro-miniskirt is enough to instantly make me spontaneously spunk my pants hands-free. That's partly why I never seek to see more, but when I stumble across it, which of course happens all the time online nowadays, girls in just lingerie, or even less, make me feel very uncomfortable.

I guess it's because I'd never be in that situation for real, and therefore I'm not entitled to look. Girls who pose like that aren't doing it for the benefit of pervs like me, but for real men who know what to do, who can please girls. I do like to see girls partially or even fully undressed showing themselves to men. I love the pictures of amateur photo sessions, I just love the thought that girls can be so sexy as to let men see them pose bare or nearly bare.

I thought I'd never see that of course - you can't go along on a summer's day to a camera club in your dirty rainmac all zipped up, and without the mac everyone would see Perv had cum in his pants seeing the girls pose. I was so, so lucky to discover - quite by chance - worship-in-person. It transformed my life really.

Not only did I see girls show - DELIBERATELY show - to ME, a disgusting sad perv who cums in his pants just ogling - but sometimes I could leave my mac open so She saw She was making me cum in my pants, the big wet patch on my trousers, alongside the crusty spunk-stains from the previous times She's made me.

No sex please - don't even mention it, you'll terrify me Miss - I'm just a wanker. And I love it.