Before I understood desire, I understood a good outfit.
 

Everything we do in life has an origin story. For me, my discovery of porn started because I really, really loved fashion.

I had a DEEP collection of Google Images, all of outfits I thought were cute. This was pre-Pinterest, and looking back, it makes sense why I’m so organized now. I had everything catalogued: colors, different tops, formal, casual. If I thought I’d wear it, I saved it. It was a regular activity, and something my best friend and I did together, comparing the outfits we found and which ones we truly liked.

My summers were always filled with various activities, so, in any of the free time I had, I’d spend hours searching and saving. I never expected that clicking on an ad would change things forever.

I’m sure we remember the pre-ad-block days, when pop-ups would randomly find their way onto your screen. Clicking one had a 50/50 chance of destroying your computer. Well, this one hid itself perfectly and checked all my boxes: it was colorful, the clothes were cute, and the women in them were very pretty.

Click.

Next thing I know, I’m transported to a website: FTV Girls. The front page was amazing. More women, wearing even cuter clothes. I had to see more. I clicked again, and there it was, what seemed like an endless catalog of fashion. But then I looked closer… A lot of them were nude.

I remember my eyes getting wide. I knew this was something I probably shouldn’t be looking at, but I couldn’t stop. My heart was racing. I was definitely feeling things that were new. And… I clicked once more on the featured model: Alexa, released June 14, 2008.

To this day, FTV Girls is my favorite porn site. The images are stunning, the videos are arousing, but most of all, it seems like so much fun to shoot there. (Trust me, I’ve thought about it… and I still think about filling out the model application.) I clicked on Alexa. There was a nice little write-up, filled with words I had no clue about, and then… the video sampler.

The first porn video I ever watched was one minute and one second long. It started tame, and then five seconds in she asked, “Want me to show you my boobs?” And then she did! I couldn’t believe it. The next 56 seconds were both the longest and shortest of my life. I was terrified someone would walk in on me watching this. But as soon as it was over, I kept thinking: that can’t be it.

I watched that video on a loop. Every detail. Pausing. Looking closer. It was no longer about the fashion anymore. This was something completely new.

I went back to the main page and just kept clicking. The archive went back years. This was an endless treasure trove of something I couldn’t quite name, but the theme was similar: pretty women, a lot of cute clothes, and they all seemed to be doing the same things to their bodies. It looked like they were really enjoying themselves.

Wait… would I enjoy that stuff, too?

This wasn’t all in the same day. This was multiple days in a row. Every moment I had alone, I spent it on the FTV Girls website, not even knowing there was this vast erotic world out there. I’d click on different models, watch the trailers, and, well, I naturally started the next phase of my exploration.

I mimicked what I saw. It was benign. Like most of the trailers, it started with me wearing my cutest clothes, maybe playing some music, modeling them in front of the mirror. At the end of each, I’d say the same thing every model did: “Thanks for watching my first-time video.” Then I’d maybe give a little wink and giggle, acknowledging how silly it all was.

But that wasn’t the end of it. Other stuff happened in those videos, and yes, I was absolutely curious about it.

That took a little more to work up to. And in the midst of this amazing discovery, there was one person I hadn’t been able to share it with yet: my best friend, but that was going to happen very soon.

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