This weekend I've gone through an emotional turmoil like never before. I stopped with birth control before Xmas and I've had my regular period since. It should have started on Friday, it didn't. Friday evening I got worried. The first time I had sex with the old black man it was unprotected and he did cum inside me. It should have been safe but if I was pregnant it happened then. I could hardly sleep, being pregnant was all I could think of.

Saturday I've been crying. Sure, I'm dreaming of having black babies, but not to be a single mother. How would I tell him, "congratulations you're going to be a father in 9 months, you've knocked me up". How would he take it? And my parents, "I've great news, you're going to be grandparents. Oh, and the baby is going to be black. And another thing, the daddy is probably older than you. We're not really dating so I may become a single mother". It's not a conversation I want to have.

I've been super happy also. Perhaps in 9 months I was going to push out my very first black baby I'v been dreaming of. Maybe he would be a great dad and take his responsibility and take care of me and the baby. But even if he wouldn't I would go through the pregnancy with my head held high even though I know what everyone would think about me.

And then back to crying, and happy, and crying and so on depending on what I was thinking. On Monday I would have bought a pregnancy test. I have used it once before when I knew I wasn't pregnant, just to try it.

But I've started bleeding. I've never been so happy before when it has started. It was a big relief. So I was right, it was safe to have unprotected sex with him.

Now I'm thinking perhaps it's best I start using birth control again.

Recently I wrote a blog post why it's great to be a girl. But sometimes I envy men. They never risk going through all these emotions after having unprotected sex.