This is very hard for me but i feel i have to tell you about myself and the truth about who i am .My name is Erica and im 19 years old and i have cancer i wake up every morning in my bed but its not at home its in a cancer treatment hospital with tubes stuck in me .i have my good days and my bad days ..my blogs are real there just from before i got sick about a year ago and all my pics are from then as well i dont look like that now i have no hair and i am very skinny now as well i spend most of my days in a hospital gown .last year i found out i had cancer and there was no cure just a treatment to keep me alive longer i kept my hope up but i knew i wasent going to see my 20th birthday .

As i lay here in my bed all i have is my laptop and my past stories about myself and being 19 there realy isnt alot but the ones about Dustan and my dad are true you see when i found out i was sick and what was going to happen to me i wanted to know what it was like to be with a man i didnt want to die without knowing that ..Its crazy isnt it the only friends i have are the people on the other side of this laptop .its 2am now and im laying in bed its cold and i have my teddy bear to hold evry now and then a nurse comes in to check on me and i have to switch pages on my laptop so they dont see what im doing ..You know i was a ugly girl for all of my childhood and just when i grew up and was noticed by men i was told i was going to die i gues it just wasent meant to be .

As i lay here all i have are my memories and the one i love the most is my first time with Dustan I like to think about that day alot because it makes me feel good inside .I had found out about 2 monthes before then and i was so upset and mad at the world i hated every one and myself the most all i could think about was this thing growing inside me making me sick and taking my life away .I was sitting with Dustan my dads best friend and we where talking I always found dustan so easy to talk to about anything .I told dustan about my wories about getting sick and i wanted to experience so many things before it became worse and thats when i asked him to kiss me i just wanted to know what it was like to kiss a man and he did it was just a little one but it meant every thing to me so i talked him into another one then another soon we began to make out ..

Every sence i knew i was sick i felt like i had to rush things there was so mutch i wanted to experience in my short time and when i felt Dustans lips on mine and his hands on my face i forgot all about being sick he made me feel so good inside like i was beutifull and sexy .that first time was so amazing it was just kissing but it felt so good i wanted to touch his cock but i was to scared to that came the next time ..

It was about 2 days later i was with dustan again and we where alone i asked dustan if i could try one of his beers and he gave me one so we sat and talked sipping beer as we did i felt all grown up with him that night and i had naughty thaughts going through my head i wanted to kiss him again but had no idea how to ask him again but after a while and when i finished my beer i went in for a kiss and to my amazement he wanted to kiss me as well so we began to make out the kissing went on for a long time his hands in my hair and on my face it felt so good to be close to him like that .

Its crazy you know all i have now are my memories and my ability to tell about them and when im laying here on my bad days when all i want to do is die because i feel so bad inside i just think about my time with Dustan or my dad and it helps to make me forget .

I hope you dont hate me because i lied about myself i can tell you that my pics are real there just of me when i was beter and pretty i gues when your as sick as me all i have is my better past and memories i know there is no future for me so i just live one day at a time and righting about myself and what i had makes me feel better so i hope i can still chat and talk about myself with all of you because it helps in this lony cold place .....