I am female, 23 (this June 2025), living in California, 5'3", 111#, medium breasts, brown eyes, no hair except the straight brown hair with bangs on my head, pierced nipples and ears, no tattoos. 

I have long thought of myself as a bad person in need of punishment, and have been hurting myself for a long time, and shamed by this behavior. I had urges to cut myself but did not act on them not wanting anyone to see the cuts or scars. I would stand in front of a mirror fingering myself then slap my own face, breasts and pussy with my had, pinch my nipples hard, use a wooden ruler or bamboo stick.... 

I also found myself doing this in front of my seond story bedroom windows (double door windows that lead to a balcony) with the curtains open, shaming myself publicly to the world (this was late at night, everyone sleeping, just a house a mirror of ours across the driveway) - but I saw the man who owns the house next door standing in the seond story window watching me, naked and stroking his cock. I was terribly embarrassed and humiliated, but stayed there and even opened the doors, and continued, even increased my self-punishment while edging (and had the marks and bruises to show for it the next day). After that night I would look for him, and this scene happened about every 2 weeks, apparently when his wife was out of town, until they moved away.

I started looking up BDSM porn to see if there were others like me, and became addicted to all kinds of porn, always edging.

Very recently, i communicated online with a Dom who helped me understand that while i still am a worthless thing, I can have a purpose in following orders and serving. First, on his instructions, I threw away every pair of pants and shorts, every bra and pair of panties, and now I wear only tops and mini-skirts or short dresses with nothing underneath, and a butt-plug during the day (jeweled stainless steel). Whenever I am home I am to be naked (no matter who else is there). I am to edge whenever I can but not cum unless I am told to (or there will be harsh punishment). I would do anything told, becuase it gives me a reason to exist.