I am 25 (earlier this June 2025), female, 5'3", 111#, medium breasts with light pink nipples, no hair except the straight brown hair with bangs on my head, brown eyes, pierced nipples and ears, no tattoos.

 I have long thougth of myself as a bad person who needed to be punished, and have been hurting myself for a decade, never tellilng anyone (not even my cousin Erin who I'm VERY close to), ashamed of myself to begin with and ashamed of my self-abuse. I would get urges to cut myself, but didn't act on them because I didn't want anyone to see the cuts or scars. I read about borderline personality disorder and figured that probably fits, but so what? 

I would stand in front of a mirror fingering myself, then slap my own face really hard, slap my breasts, pinch my nipples as hard as I could (I've even used pliers). I would hit my breasts and pussy with a wooden ruler, a bamboo stick or short piece of 1x2 pine. Sometimes I'd even sit on the floor of my closet fingering myself with a rope around my neck looped over the clothes bar and pulling down on the other end til I'd get dizzy.

Once late at night I was standing naked at my second-story bedroom window (double-door window leading to a small balcony) with the curtains open, fingering myself and hitting my face and breasts with my hands, with other toys within reach for use, when I saw the man who owns the house across the drive standing in the same second-story bedroom window, naked and stroking his cock while watching me. I was incredibly embarrassed and humiliated, but that fit with what I deserved so much that, not only did I not run and hide, I actually opened the doors to the balcony so he could see me even better. Standing there, legs spread, I put on a shameful display for him (and had a welts and bruises on me the next day to show for it). I would check each night to see if he was there, and got in an every 2 week routine with him (a Friday night his wife was out of town). Nothing more came of it - like he never tried to do anything with me.

Very recently, I made contact online with A dom, and suddenly I feel so relieved. To give up total control can give you incredible freedom. I am much less anxious. I know, of course, that I am still a bad and worthless thing. but I am a thing with a porpose: serving, following orders; nothing but a piece of meat existing for the pleasure it provides my Dom to use and abuse and breed it as he desires. 

For starters, I had to throw away every pair of pants and shorts, every bra and pair of panties; and now I wear only tops and mini-skirts and short dresses with nothing underneath, and a butt plug (jeweled stainless-steel) during the day. Whenever I'm home I'm to be naked, doesn't matter who else is around. I am supposed to edge whenever I can, but not cum unless I'm told to (or there will be harsh punishment). I would do anything my Dom told me to do because it gives me a reason to exist.