today someone asked me, “when was the last time you were used? and how many men have used you?”

i have a severe social anxiety disorder, so most of my adult sex is, and always has been, on line.

but the last time i was truly used was about a year ago, when i was abducted by an english gentleman named Harpo. or i refer to him as Harpo when i write of him publicly. he kept me for about a week, using and abusing me constantly.  i’ll include an essay or two about my abduction experience in some later posts.

but since i came out as the deranged whore i am, my cybersex has been improving dramatically. 

my friend Melanie likes to draw on me while i am naked, and while i am not gay i guess i get a sexual thrill out of that, but i do not consider it sex. nowadays pretty much all me sex is on line, and i am strangely happy with that state of affairs.

earlier in life i went through a phase of hooking up for one night stands every week or so, and i believe i had sex with about 200 men. none of them so much as spanked me, and at that time i was deeply closeted. i never could admit what i wanted. 

i never orgasmed in front of any of these men, but waited until they left, when i would verbally chastise myself for being "such a dirty whore,” and tell myself it was just a matter of time before i would “start hooking on the streets." i would try, unsuccessfully, to give my own thick ass a good whipping, but i could never do it hard enough. then i would violently fuck myself with my trusty shampoo bottle until i came. and then i’d feel very bad about it, and cry myself to sleep.

last year i met my (ex?) boyfriend, under whose verbal direction i had my first PainGasm. he lives on the east coast, so we mainly had phone sex and the like. 

on one occasion he directed me to put freshly boiled eggs into my vagina, and i burned myself. i had to go to the Doctor for that because it got infected, but the doc said it was infected because i scratched it, not because of the initial injury… and i should mention i had jumped the gun and did not allow the allotted time for the eggs to cool off. all the same it was an amazing experience, and i will never forget the thrill. i’ve had pussy burning fantasies all my life, and that was the closest i’ve ever come to realizing them.

and just to be thorough, i should also mention some early NC stuff;  a little fling with modeling that involved some sex as well as some very mild BDSM; a fling with my local BDSM community which was a disaster; and one college boyfriend who disappeared after promising to marry me.

these days i just masturbate and write, or think about guys like you doing terrible things to me, usually in groups of five or more. and i get heavily into chat role play. and i take tasks, up to and including public exposure, needle/tack/nail play, and rape baiting. i can’t whip myself hard enough for it to scare me, which takes the fun out of “whip yourself ten times” tasks, so i only do them when i forget to mention that i don’t like them, in advance of the task-play. (i do like self spanking tasks when outdoors where i could theoretically be caught).

i am not a natural submissive: i am a woman with a pain fetish, a humiliation fetish, and a fear fetish. don’t mistake me for a “submissive with almost no limits,” as pretty much everyone does at first. it will be a shock when i refuse to kneel or whatever. i definitely do not go in for the “ritual aspect.” of BDSM, although i will use the term Master once in a while, and that is a show of deference, i suppose. 

in a way, i don't really like consensual sex, and i was pretty much banned from the local BDSM community... actually it was right after those guys took that picture of my catheterized vulva.  

and it was because of what i said during my catheter ordeal that one of them flipped out and started trash-talking me on a blog for the local BDSM community. 

i guess i was genuinely explaining to those guys how i really wanted to be raped, for real, and that the kind of torture they were doing would be oh so much better if i hadn’t consented to it. all five of them got off on it, but one flipped out afterwords, from the safety of his own apartment, calling my views "dangerous" and saying i was “bad for the community.”

in order to give you a more complete story of my usage and abusage, i'd have to go into some of my earlier experiences, which i will not do on this blog. i would link to my other blog, but i don’t think i am allowed to link to anything outside imagefap, and i can’t risk being booted by them again, can i? ❤️👁👁❤️