The following is a fanfic written entirely through conversations, rather like a radio play but without even a narrator. This removes any scene descriptions but you can still imagine them in your mind and to be honest it's the only way I could get this written quickly.

A: “Are you sure you want another glass of wine Penny? You've been drinking a lot tonight.”
P: “Give it here. That’s it, I’m done with men. My love life is a mess, I’d be better off leaving all my choices up to you Amy”
A: “Oh my. Are you sure Penny? That’s a quite a responsibility. Not that I don’t want to try”
P: “Ummm. Yea sure, what ever, you can’t do any worse than me.”
A: “In that case we could start on Saturday I have just the thing to help us”
P: “Okay but not too early I usually like to sleep in on Saturdays.”

A: [knock][knock][knock]Besty"
P: “Yer?"
A: "Morning, Penny. Shall we get to work?”
P: “Can we get to work after lunch? I’m hungover.”
A: “I'll get us some coffee. Perhaps we should toast, cheers to Penny's love life in Amys hands.”
P: “To what? Oh yea, the advice thing, sure.” [sip]

A: “Valuing the scientific approach I’d like to ask some questions to begin assessing the root causes of your relationship problems”
P: “Shoot” [sip]
A: “I’ve made a questionaiire that I’d like you fill in.”
P: “When did I first have sex. When did I start to masterbate! Amy these are kind of personal questions even for a friend.”
A: “Oh I understand, I’m sure you would prefer not to answer some of them. But I’d like you to try and answer them all if you can and lets see, I think you'll be surprised at home much you complete.”

P: “I gota admit I didn’t think I’d be okay writing some of these things down but I just couldn’t help myself. Part of me must just be more committed to this thing that I thought. I don’t think I’ve filled a single form in with no gaps before in my life but here you go one fully complete questionaire for Penny’s personal life.”
A: “Oh my Penny, these are quite revealing. I think it’s clear that sex is a big influence on your relationship difficulties.”
P: “You neeeded a questionaire figure that one out Einstein.”

A: “I have some follow up questions that I’d like you to answer honestly if you can.”
P: “Well I’m certainly able to do it but I don’t know if I will.”
A: “The value you’ve entered for the frequency of oral sex provided to men must be a mistake surely?”
P: “Look breaking into Hollywood is tough, everyone knows an aspiring actress has to suck an occational directors dick to get a part...or a producer...or someone in casting. A few writers to get extra lines. Hair and makeup people, the grips and most of the intern’s who act as runners. But that’s it! I let my acting do the rest.”

A: “And in all that time you've had no lesbian experiences?”
P: “Nope, I’ve had a few try it on but I told those dykes to take a hike. Penny don’t truck with no muff.”
A: “That’s perfect, it gives us a baseline to work off later.”
P: “What’s a baseline, like on a guitar?”
A: “No, you can forget about it.”
P: “Forgot about what?”

A: “You also wrote a lower than expected masterbation frequency. It’s a surprising in contrast to the rest of your sex answers.”
P: “Well you know hun, some of us don’t need an electric toothbrush named Gerard when we can eaily go out and find an actual guy called Gerard with real dick to do the job instead.”
A: “You’re explaination is very logical. You’re superior looks and social skills do indeed make it easy for you to find lovers with little effort. While I myself would have less choice and have to resort to a mechanical substitute.”

P: “Sorry Amy, I’m not sure why I put it like that. It was mean of me.”
A: “No Penny, it was just honest. You’re being honest because I told you to be and you can’t help it”.
P: “Well that’s no excuse.”
A: “Actually it is...”

A: “Penny I have a confession to make. I’ve added an experimental formula to your coffee this morning. It’s a compliance enhancer that I’ve been working on in the lab and when you suggested I take full control of your decisions I thought it would be the perfect tool to help us.”
P: “Ya wha?“
A: “You see normally there would be deep ethical concerns but because of our friendship and your absolute trust in me we can exercise your plan with total validity. Isn’t that wonderful?“

P: “Okay Amy, this is getting kind of weird now and I don't know what you're talking about so I'm going back to bed and you can let yourself out.”
A: “Sit down Penny. See!”
P: “Why did I just sit down! I didn't...Amy why did my legs do that?”
A: “Penny we’ve already established that all of your decisions are now my responsibility, so asking me to leave is an example of a decision an thus no longer in your remit. It’s okay Penny you’ll get the hang of it. Let me show you, Penny ask me to stay and do whatever it takes to help you.”
P: “Amy stay and do whatever it takes to help me. Oh god Amy what have you done to me! Stop this right now.”

A: “Penny I think your excessive sex drive might be caused by your lack of masturbation. If your technique is at fault I might be able to help. Please can you demonstrate for it for me”
P: “Ha, yea Amy I’m not gona be doing that...Amy why can’t I stop my hands?”
A: “You’re obeying my instructions but I haven’t told you that I want any restrictions on your feedback so your physical actions and verbal comments could differ. I notice that your hands are inside your shorts and vest top, while that’s satisfactory for your purposes it does limit my view, can you take them off”
P: “Amy I know we’re both girls but I really don’t feel comfortable doing this in front of you and please tell me to stop taking off my clothes”
A: “Wow. Penny I hope you will allow me this one brief interlude from my scientific detachment to say girl you have a slammin bod”
P: “Please don’t stare at me like that Amy”
A: “Of course, back to our work. Please continue with your demonstration Penny, you can lie back along the sofa and place your legs over my lap, it’ll a better position for you to work and for me to observe.”

P: “What are you doing with your phone Amy?”
A: “It’s important to document any scientific endeavor for closer analysis later. Please can you identify yourself for the record.”
P: “My name is Penny Teller, I’m 23 years old. I live at 2311 North Los Robles Avenue. Apartment 4B.”
A: “Thank you Penny. The time is 9:13am on October 3rd 2009. Subject will be attempting to manually self induce a sexual orgasm”.
P: “Great, now I’m going to have a sex tape and Amy owns it.”

A: “I noticed you prefer to use one hand on your breast with the other on your vagina. A popular method but it does neglect one breast. I can assist you to see if the extra stimulation is the key.”
P: “Amy I really don’t need your hand on my tit, see I’ve got them both in-hand it’s fine.”
A: “This is going to be difficult if you refuse my help. Penny do not attempt to obstruct me from any interaction with your body from now on. Do you understand?”
P: “Yes I do.”
A: “Very good, now let me see if I can help with your right breast. I’m sorry if my hand is a little cold but it’s feels okay doesn’t it?”
P: “No it doesn’t.”
A: “What size are these? I would look at the label in your bra but you weren’t wearing one, just the thin white vest top you favor for bed clothes.”
P: “34C”
A: “I suppose they are very firm, I can tell from their feel even on your back. I suppose you don’t require the support of a bra. Is that why you don’t wear one often?”
P: “No, I like to tease those sexless geeks with my nipples because it makes them horny and easier to manipulate for free food and wifi...and fuck this honest answers bullshit.”

A: “Interesting. I wonder if your desire to wield sexual power over men is rooted in your feelings of intellectual inferiority. It’s a shame Lenard's mother isn’t here right now, I’m sure she could offer some expert analysis.”
P: “Actually I’m pretty happy she’s not here right now to see fucking finger myself over your lap.”
A: “Of course it would be extremely humiliating no doubt. Personally I’ve never seen the appeal of a sexual power dynamic over someone. It might be enjoyable, but I suppose I’ll never know...Penny please hold my phone I’d like to massage both of your breasts at once now.”
P: “Certainly, why wouldn’t I want to help you record all this?”
A: “Hold it out far enough to keep your face and body in shot, rather like the selfies you regularly take and share online, although you’re wearing less now, but not that much. For example the bikini photo you took at Santa Monica beach in 2007 was extremely short on coverage.”
P: “Okay, I’m starting to think I know why you clicked ‘like’ on it at 3am over a year after it was posted.”
A: “That was an accident caused by too much red wine and a low battery in Gerard”
P: “Look Amy can you stop talking please, it’s just making this a lot harder for me to...end this.”
A: “No problem I know what you're getting at, I’ll talk less and help more with my mouth”
P: “What do you? Oh god no, don’t suck on my nipples Amy.”
A: “Don’t worry. I [suck] have [suck] this [suck][suck][suck].”
P: “Oh god, I have to end this. Gota think of hot guys, perfect cocks and anything else, being anywhere else. Yes, come on, almost there. Arrrrrrgh! Phew, can I stop now Amy?”
A: “Did you reach your orgasm?”
P: “No I fake it to stop you sucking on my tits...FUCK! God damn it I can’t deal with no being able to lie.”
A: “Penny I’m disappointed that you’d try to deceive me like that”
P: “I’m sorry Amy. Do you want to stop now?”

A: “No Penny. In fact I think this proves the failures of your own decision making and reiterates how much you need my help. But I will have to punish you of course.”
P: “Punish?”
A: “Oh yes, I had hoped my pharmaceutical solution…”
P: “You mean drugging me?”
A: “...would be enough but now I see that we’ll have to employ more traditional methods for behavioral adjustment. Please get up and bend over the arm rest of the sofa Penny.”
P: “Actually I’ve had some bad experiences in this position so how about you tell me to sit down instead and we talk about this? No? Okay I guess I'm going over the arm rest.”
A: “Before we begin I have a hypothesis I’d like to confirm, Penny please spread your cheeks. Yes, as I suspected you’re devote of any hairs here too, making it consistent with your vagina.”
P: “I wax. Jesus Amy you could of just asked me. Can I close them now?”
A: “I’ve never considered why someone would want to perform such intimate maintenance but now that I’ve had the opportunity to examine yours I can see that it does offer some aesthetic appeal to what I’ve always considered to be a very functional orifice“
P: “Still flashing my butthole here. Just saying.”

A: “Thank you Penny you may remove your hands. You might wonder why I’m asking these questions when I’ve seen you naked while changing clothes twice and in your bath once...”
P: “No I’m wondering why you’re keeping count”
A: “...but in each instance I wasn’t afford the opportunity to view you with this much clarity. In many ways I think the close intimacy of this experience will bring us even closer together as best friends, as well as the main reason...”
P: “From the way you're stroking my butt now I can guess the reason.”
A: “...to help your future romantic relationships”.
P: “That wasn’t the reason I was going to say.”

A: [Slap][Slap]
P: “Awwww”
A: “Sorry I decide to just begin. I’m not experienced in delivering this form of discipline so I’m unsure what preamble should have been provided. I felt a chastisement like ‘This is what Penny gets for being a naughty girl’ would be a cliché. But of course if you feel it would help just say.”
A: [Slap][Slap]
P: “Awwww”
A: “I could have told you the number you’d be receiving but I haven’t decide yet, I plan to see how this develops and when I judge that you’ve learn the lesson.”
A: [Slap][Slap]
P: “Awwww. I’ve leaned it. Amy I’m not going to try and deceive you again, you know I’m telling the truth so you can stop now.”
A: “I must say Penny, you have impressive glutial elasticity. Are there any special exercises you do to promote this firmness?”
A: [Slap][Slap]
P: “Awwww. You mean my ass? I go jogging and I do yoga.”
A: “Well the results are undeniable, it’s a shame you can’t see the motion I’m witnessing here...”
A: [Slap][Slap]
P: “Awwww. Yes I wish I was there too and you were here.”
A: “...It’s like I’m hitting two bowls of tan coloured jelly back here. Do you think your exercise regime would help me get similar results?”.
P: “No it couldn’t fix your flat ass Amy...Oh god I’m sorry Amy, please you know I can’t help it.”
A: “That’s quite alright Penny, we should be talking less anyway”
A: [SLAP][SLAP][SLAP][SLAP]
P: “Awwwww fuck, please not so hard Amy.”
A: “You don’t need to be concerned Penny, this slapping will not affect the deep muscle tissue or flatten your ass to leave it like mine. But perhaps we should change the venue for the last few.”
P: “Yes please finish I don’t care what room you want to do it in.”
A: “No Penny you’re misunderstanding me. Please slide your rear a little backwards off the arm rest and spread legs. Keep going, a little more, okay stop that’s wide enough for me to have access. Now this last batch I’m going to call ‘Sheldons’. I think we’ve been working hard and a little humor might be a nice relief.”
P: “What? Sheldon? Why are you calling them...”
A: [Slap][Slap][Slap]”Penny!”
P: “AAAWWWW FUCK!”
A: [Slap][Slap][Slap]”Penny!”
P: “NO, Please not there Amy!”
A: [Slap][Slap][Slap]”Penny!”
P: “Awww fuck my fucking pussy" [Sobs]

A: “You can stand up now Penny and take a moment to regain your composure before we continue. I think you did very well.”
P: “Can I go into the bathroom please Amy, I want to clean myself up, splash some water on my face and blow my nose?”
A: “That’s a good idea but the kitchen facilities will suffice.”
P: [Grown]
A: “The colour I’ve added to your rear end is quite dramatic.”
P: “Why not take a picture, for the science right?” [sniff]
A: “An excellent idea, see we’re making a great team. The walls are a bit to too colourful though, I don’t want them influencing the colour contrast. How about you lye flat on your front on the rug, it's material is quite pale. Perfect. An now put your red shorts on your lower back as a colour sample for reference, great.”
P: “Can I get up now, if you don’t think this rug is rough try lying face down in it naked.”
A: “You can get up now, but only up as far as your your knees.”

A: “In your questionnaire answers you stated that you have a heterosexual preference but that you haven’t had any homosexual experiences to confirm it.”
P: “Well I’m pretty sure I don’t need one to confirm it Amy.”
A: “I disagree Penny. I’m trying to assess your romantic future and you’re currently excluding 50% of potential partners. I can’t let you discard such a large group without strong empirical evidence to support that decision.”
P: “Amy I’m not a lesbian.”
A: “I appreciate your feelings Penny but in science we care about data so we’re going to do an experiment and get a definitive result.”
P: “Why kind of experi...Oh MY God! Amy why have you pull your pants down?”
A: “In a moment I’m going to ask you to perform cunnilingus on me.”
P: “Cunning what?”
A: “Oral sex Penny.”
P: “No, please don’t ask me to do it Amy. You know I can’t stop myself from doing it if you ask and I don’t want to. How about we sit on the sofa and you can suck on my tit’s again and I’ll have another try at jerk off for you? You’d liked that too right? You’d like to suck on these titties? Right Amy?”
A: “Penny? It’s not about what I want, I'm doing this for your benifit. Now please stop squeezing and shaking your breasts at me. I need you to pull down my panties.”
P: “Amy you panties are soaked.”
A: “Yes I think the recent anticipation has caused my body to react.”
P: “This looks like you’ve been reacting for the last hour. What the fuck, Amy your pussy’s….”
A: “Yes I keep things a little more natural than you when tending my lady garden”
P: “...it’s a fucking bush, not a garden. You can't expect me to try an lick this”

A: “It’s okay Penny I’ll help let you. When your tongue is in the right place I'll let you know, just start in the middle and feel around”.
P: “[lick] is [lick] es [lick] o [lick] orrible”
A: “Arrrr yeeees. This is much better than Gerard. You know Penny I though I’d never get to experience this sensation, having Sheldon as a boyfriend with his strict hygiene red lines. But now that it's happening it's even better than I imaged...and Penny...I’m glad I'm sharing this with you.”
P: “[lick][lick]”
A: “A little higher please Penny, yes you've got it, focus there and I think your fingers could help too. Use them just like you did on yourself."
P: “[lick][lick][slurp]”
A: “This really feels good, Penny. So good. Yes, eat it, eat it all. Momma wana cum. Yes. [pant]. Yes. [pant]. YES!"
P: “[lick][lick][gag]”
A: “Well Penny, I think the orgasm you just provided me suggests you might have lesbian inclinations..."
P: “Me? I have inclinations?”[cough][spit]
A: “...but I of course one occurrence is not a sufficient data set for proof. We'll have to revisit this...yes we'll definitely revisit it."
P: “Can I go floss now?"

P: “Oh god that was such a fucked up nightmare.”
A: “Morning besty”
P: “ARRRGH!”
A: “Did you sleep okay?”
P: “Amy why are you in my bed? No, why are you spooning me in my bed? Please tell me yesterday didn’t really hap...”
A: “It was amazing for me too, but we’ve got a long day ahead of us so we need to get up and to get to work.”
P: “Actually I don’t have a shift at The Cheese Cake Factory today so I think I’m gona just stay in bed and cry for a while.”
A: “I mean our work silly. You don’t need to worry about being a waitress or acting any more. In fact you will phone your work today and quit. I’ll be moving in as your room mate so the rent isn’t going to be a problem and then we’ll have all the time we need.”
P: “Please Amy, you could have anyone with that stuff, why me? Why can’t you let me go now?”
A: “Penny I’m happy to be on this journey with you and no matter what happens you will always be my besty. Now lets save some time getting ready this morning by showering together.”
P: “Save time? I get the feeling we'll be in there longer than normal.”