I was thinking earlier about how fucking pathetic and sad and unfortunate many of my actions were in the past 3 or so years. At least as it applies to sex and relationships. I mean, I already know the twists and reverse umo cards contained within my mind when I'm dealing with a drug - I am, generally an addict, and my thought processes and reasoning becomes very counterintuitive very quickly.

And, don't get me wrong, I was also fucked up in my head from 3 years of constant abuse of crystal methamphetamine. But at least I could ascribe those decisions to the drug, and I already was aware of my inability to control myself in that regard. 

What I was not expecting, though, was to see me making choices that I even knew would cause me pain in the future, just to....well, idk actually, as there isn't a high level of congruence within my set of bad calls. Let's go over some of them.

  But first, let me just preface this entire thing with some history - I, counter to the idea of me that everyone everywhere forever has on their heads, am not very sexually experienced. I am 36, and, while I have been with like eight to ten different women, half of those were one time things, 2 were with girlfriends I had for a few weeks, and 2 of them were or 3 year relationships. And those "long term" relationships were ended in 2008 amd 2024. That leaves a 16 year gap. Out of 36 years. And I didn't even have sex til I was almost 18 (also with the first girl I ever kissed. She was also my first ever girlfriend (1/2 real girlfriends lol, baller). Also I married this woman. She had cheated on me a few times FOR SURE and she left me for one of those guys. She would later, after he moved on in a week or two, try to get back with me. And I probably would have said yes if a friend of mine wasn't in the car with me at that exact moment.). I say all of this to demonstrate both how little experience I have as well as how thirsty I was/am after going dry for so. Long.