Something is happening to me. I should sleep better, but dreams involving young firm bodies and erect cocks are getting more frequent. I've had to confront a part of my life that I've hidden from everybody - family, friends, workmates - everybody. For some reason - probably associated with my age - my repressed past and inclinations are resurfacing. I've been on this site for a while, having started with erotica, females, then shemales and CD, but now I'm increasingly drawn to graphic mainly gay entries in a search for what (and who) I was. There's a lot of it that doesn't fit. My experiences with boys (as a twink), as well as with older men were erotic, soft focus, occasionally steamy, caring - and above all, fun. The reason I'm committing this to script is because I spent a miserable evening sitting on a park bench in a known cruising area unable to take the plunge (for the first time in decades) and crying. A man called Robert took pity on me and invited me home. With a drink in hand, he let me talk through my confused state, listened carefully and gave me good advice before getting me a cab home. "Find a way to put it on paper - honestly. Only when you've done that, can you make any decisions about where next. You have responsibilities and a family, but you need to be honest with yourself before you can move forward." 

So that's what I'm doing. Bare with me. I'm not trying to write porn, I'm trying to say - openly - what happened and what I did. I had - and have - agency.

My sexual experiewnces started at junior school, where we tried to avoid older boys who wanted to play with cocks ("I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" etc) - although I was fascinated - especially by their pubic hair (fuzz). At boarding school, one of my former tormentors eventually got me into his bed, where I proved a keen learner. (That's a story about him perverting my innocence that I need to unpack.) My parents were the other side of the world on foreign service, so I suppose I missed the physical contact, but I enjoyed the forbiddeness and excitement of sucking boys cocks and being fingered at an age where I should have been following the soccer. I was in demand for some of the senior boys who appreciated a pretty boy attending to their physical needs, but that was the end of it. On the other hand, I enjoyed the attention and became more spoilt and perverted. Some of the school masters were keen on naked young boys - probably because of having to supervise 4 baths at a time and reading to boys sitting on their laps at bedtime. I can remember one apologising for fondling me "accidentally" and responding by "accidentaly" brushing my hand against his bulging tent. (He was asked to leave about 2 months later after being found with a half naked boy in his study.) In simple terms, I enjoyed casual light ('ish) sex with boys, especialy ones I knew I could persuade - and corrupt. Camping trips (2 to a tent), supervising showers (as a prefect), games involving hiding in cupboards (only with the pretty ones) - all gave me a chance to assess likely talent. Looking back, I wasn't particularly happy and I never really thought about the effect I might have on others, but there was something special about lying naked in the grass on a sunny afternoon with a pretty blonde boy sucking your cock. Physical gratification and a sort of power in corrupting innocence, I suppose.

On moving to senior boarding school, I thought I'd grow up and leave all that behind, but the seniors had heard about my record and I still looked far too pretty. I cursed my mother's preference for me with longer hair, but even having it cut short and badly only seemed to make me look like an impish tomboy, rather than a young sportsman. I just looked slightly feminine.

At about this time, my parents divorced. My mother remarried and moved abroad, whilst my father buried himself in work and failed relationships. Nobody seemed to have much time for me, so I was left to my own devices. On weekends in termtime and in the holidays, I was shunted off to friends and relations - and increasingly to my step uncle and aunt in London. 

That's where things started going off the rails. My step uncle and aunt were unconventional, lived parallel lives and were unashamedly bisexual. I didn't know that - and nor did my mother, who'd set the whole thing up through her new husband. He was a good looking, yoga fit man in his 40s - and my aunt was away for the weekend. I should have had my guard up, but: my fault for drinking too much of the wine offered; my fault for sitting on the couch; my fault for letting him put his arm around me; and my fault for leaning into him. All pretty standard seduction after that: compliments on my looks; suggestive comments; a bit of a tussle; physical closeness; heart rate up; blushing; open lips; surrender - you get the picture. I didn't mean to, but I was still naked and in bed with him the next morning. I lay there in the early light, not knowing whether to feel lost; used; embarrassed; guilty; corrupted; randy; a bit older or what. I cried, no - sobbed, for a part of my life that had now gone. This obviously upset my step uncle, who by now was feeling full of remorse. He comforted me, telling me how sorry he was and could I ever forgive him.... He pulled me close and I felt his cock stirring against my thigh... Yup - it was an act!

He was much gentler the second time - and the third (in the shower) - and after lunch (my suggestion). I was tired, happy, corrupted and sore when I went back to school that evening. I knew I'd be staying again.

That was it. At school Simon (pretty, incredible eyes and lashes, full lips, slightly avocado-shaped) and I found we had similar tastes. Judo requires touch, closeness and mats. It is also very easy to get into and remove judo clothing. Naked wrestling of a gentler sort ensued. It transpired that he had been groomed by an uncle about 5 years previously. It had obviously had an effect, but he loved sex. We stuck together as a pair, which kept the predators away. He eventually agreed to weekend with me and my step aunt and uncle. No threesomes, but "would you like to go to a party next time you're both up? Good, bring your school suits.."

Of course we did.