Here goes! True confession #1. 

Never shared with another soul but feeling safe here on my fap page. Thanks for being part of my therapy! Comments welcomed.

This happened when I was 16, a sophomore in high school and had been going steady with a gal for more than a year and a half. She was not my first lover but definitely my first love. It was good to have a steady girlfriend and to be having regular sex at that age. She was the epitome of a SoCal beach girl, cute, blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, fit slim body, perky C cup tits and a year round tan. We ditched a lot of school, spent a lot of time at the beach and in the local mountains and partied a lot together. 

All was good until the day a few of us friends were hanging out at her house, waiting for her to get home and a mutual friend came out of her bedroom and showed me a page of what looked like a diary. It was a full-page list that had dates, names and places. My heart raced as I saw the names of some of my classmates and more painfully a couple of the school jocks and several names I recognized who were seniors. A few of the entries didn’t have names but had descriptions like landscaper, gas station guy, liquor store guy etc. There were some graphic notes and stuff in the margins that made it obvious this was a list of her sex exploits.  When my brain stopped spinning and I was able to take a breath I realized almost all of the dates were in the months we had been together. There were over 20 entries. I was absolutely stunned and sat there in complete disbelief. I literally did not believe what I was looking at and told my friend to put it back. 

I remember struggling emotionally for weeks with what I had seen but my denial allowed me to continue our relationship for several more months without ever saying a word to her. I was heartbroken and seriously conflicted, not wanting to loose her but not able to come to terms with what I tried to deny I saw. I felt jealousy for the first time. Not fun. For the first time I was watching how she dressed, specifically when we weren’t going out together and how often she went out braless. I was anxious when we weren’t together and felt suspicious when we were. 

I remember beginning to imagine differences in her body when we made love and wondered if she had added a name to her list. I noticed she seemed more distant and I started having performance issues with her in bed. I couldn’t help but compare myself to the names that were on her list. She seemed indifferent at times and I couldn’t stay hard long enough to cum. Her comments to me about these issues became less loving and that only made it worse. Other times she seemed her usual horny wild self and I came too quickly because I couldn’t help but imaging her acting this way with other guys. 

I finally got so torn up with how things were that i brought it up and she totally denied everything. She looked me in the eye and told me how much she loved me and that she would never do that. I was young and in love and wanted to believe her. Looking back I was just plain stupid. I also realize that she may have been a real nymphomaniac. Most importantly, she gave me my first taste of the powerful excitement of being humiliated by a beautiful woman. It was my first experience of being cuckolded, although involuntary on my part, many many years before I would even know what that word meant.

Word went around of a big house party coming up on the edge of town in a few weeks. One of those bashes with a rock band and kegs that sounded fun until somehow I heard that she had already been invited, by somebody else. When I asked her about it she nonchalantly admitted that she had been and that I should come along. She seemed a bit awkward and I was seriously jealous thinking about who might have invited her but I didn’t say anything more. Part of me wanted to know.

When I picked her up that night, she looked cute as ever and wasn’t hard to notice her braless tits showing off through the cropped top she had worn  under her black jacket. There was already a pretty good crowd when we arrived and we had to park quite a ways up the road. I remember walking with her toward the house and how weird she was acting. The moment we got to the front of the house she refused to stand close to me and literally wiggled away from me when I tried to put my arm around her. She kept looking past me and around like she was looking for someone and every time I tried to get face to face with her she scooted a couple feet away. 

As dumb as I may have been I finally realized she didn’t want to be seen with me and I felt like she had set me up. It was pretty obvious she was meeting someone else. I was so hurt and frustrated and angry that I went into the house to find a couple of beers for us and was quickly swallowed up in the crowd. I could see the band setting up outside on the far side of the pool and was impressed with the vibe of the place. This was definitely not a high school party and there were probably a hundred people jammed into the back patio and the yard already. It was crowded but I managed to find my way to the keg, grabbed a couple tall cups and was heading back to where I left her. I was so distracted with the scene and all the good looking people I remember actually being surprised that she was no where to be found. 

It would have been obvious to anyone else but I was young and in love I guess. My gut told me things had changed and I felt my heart sinking. I guzzled both of the beers before heading back toward the beer line while still looking around for her. I wanted to see who she was with and imagined all sorts of heart wrenching scenes every time I saw a blonde in the crowd. I was pissed she couldn’t have been honest with me and my mood spiraled.

The band came on loud and the whole yard seemed to bounce and all I could do was notice all the hot women and the cool looking guys hanging onto them. I wandered around feeling down and lost and had plenty to drink as well as a few big hits off the pot that was going around. I found something to lean against and watched the band for a while. I had given up on finding her or hoping for any sort of a happy ending but I remember feeling motivated in a weird way, wanting to see her with someone else. I was angry but I was also turned on at the thought of it. I guess that’s what you call masochistic. Seeing so many other hot women flaunting around made it worse because my girlfriend was a head turner and there were plenty of  men around. My imagination had a field day. 

The party raged for a couple hours until sometime after midnight when the band shut down. I hung around for a while and looked around for her a bit more. I walked into the house and looked around and could tell a lot of people had already left. I was thinking about heading home and I walked through the kitchen looking for a bathroom to take a leak. I went down a hallway and just as I stuck my head in an open bedroom door I see a guy coming out of an inner door doing up his belt. 

The twisted thought crossed my mind that my girlfriend was probably in the bathroom and that this guy had just finished fucking her. I was buzzed for sure.  As I stumbled into the room, I almost bumped into him. I walked around the bed and into the bathroom. I closed the door and took a long leak thinking about how dishonest and downright cruel to me she had been. I realized that she was probably with some guy getting fucked at this very moment. 

I walked out of the bathroom ready to head home and was surprised to see the guy who had just walked out of the bathroom was now laying on the bed. At first I figured he was just passed out but I could see he was rubbing the front of his jeans and for some reason I stoped and looked. The bedroom door was closed and I couldn’t believe what I thought I was seeing. There weren’t any lights on but it definitely looked like he was working hard on a visible boner. I couldn’t look away and I remember how startled I was when he casually he mumbled "sorry, fuckin horny". He looked like a hip college guy and I wondered how he didn't have girls all over him.  I remember how uncomfortably horny he looked as he continued to press down hard on himself.

Probably because of how buzzed I was and the overwhelming rejection that I was feeling that night, maybe some anger, I just stood there and kept watching him rub the front of his jeans. It seemed like a long time and I remembering being so nervous but turned on to see such a horny guy right in front of me. My girlfriend came to mind and I imagined this hunky guy would be someone she would eagerly be fucking if she were there. Finally, I heard him say "fuck it" and I watched him undo his belt and unzip his pants. The only light was coming from the bathroom but when I saw him wrestle his hard cock out of his pants, my heart stopped and without thinking, I walked around the foot of the bed, fumbled with the bedroom door lock until I was sure it was locked.

I stood next to the door and waited for a few seconds to make sure he wasn’t going to go ballistic. Very  slowly and carefully I walked around and stood at the side of the bed for a moment more before slowly getting up on the bed next to him. I was still half expecting he would punch me and I tried not to flinch every time he shifted on the bed. I was completely mesmerized watching the way he worked himself. My eyes adjusted to the dim room and I could see well enough to see that he was stroking a man sized cock. This was pre internet porn and I had never seen a guy masturbate and never seen a cock as big as his was. 

When I was convinced he wasn’t a fag basher I reached over slowly put my hand next to his and tried to stroke along with him. It was an incredible relief when his hand moved away and left me to stroke my first cock, the fear of getting punched vanished and I felt like I was out of my body. My head was at the level of his hips and I remember feeling vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the feeling of such a strong thick cock in my hand. His dick was completely different than what I had between my legs. Longer yes but I was much more impressed with how heavy and muscular he felt and the size  of his full balls moving around in his loose scrotum.  His strong muscular cock matched what I could see of his toned body.

He was definitely horny and seeing how he was responding to the way I stroked and fondled him was a rush. I could tell he was pretty buzzed and at first I felt physically vulnerable because of the way he was moving around on the bed and the way he occasionally thrusted his crotch against my hands. He was a bigger guy and to feel the strength of his entire body when he flexed was startling at first.

I realized this probably wasn't his first time with another guy the way he had been so casual showing off his cock and now, the way he was physically responding to me and the way he was talking to me. I remember looking at how impressive he looked in the light coming from the bathroom and at some point I just leaned over across his thigh and slowly put the head of his cock in my mouth. He definitely liked it and began pushing himself toward me.

It wasn’t long before my jaw just started to ache and I realized I wouldn’t be able to keep up with his thrusts for much longer. He scolded me a couple of times because I had trouble keeping my teeth off of him. Eventually he reached down and shoved my face away and told me roughly “learn how to suck a dick fag” and as he sat up I heard him say “show me your hole”. At first I honestly didn’t understand what he was telling me to do. 

My head was spinning from what was going on and I kind of stayed limp and just let him push up against me and manhandle me around until I ended up in the middle of the bed on my knees. I awkwardly tried to undo my jeans while he was trying to pull them down. He pressed down on my shoulder as I got my belt undone. I felt him pull down on my underwear and then in an instant felt his big blunt tool pressing against me. Hard. 

For what seemed like quite a while, I think I held my breath as I felt him trying to force himself into me. I heard him spit and he repositioned himself behind me a couple times but it didn’t seem to help. I know I was fighting it. The pressure against my asshole burned as he pushed and I know I squirmed away from him but he pulled me back and I tried not to scream. It hurt. A lot! There was nothing slow or gentle about him. In the midst of this I realized I was with a drunk horny college age jock with one thing on his mind. I could feel his fingers digging into my hips as he pulled me back against him. He wasn't nice to me and between the snorts and grunts he kept telling me over and over “take this dick, take this dick”. 

I don’t know how long he actually struggled with my virgin ass but I know I was physically fatiguing and getting mentally numb from the pain. I started taking deep breaths and my girlfriend flashed through my mind. There was something about the pain I welcomed. It relieved the heart ache I had been feeling and kept me present. I pictured her face in my mind while I focused on the pain he was causing and I remember giving up at some point. As I collapsed forward, with my face pressed into the bed, I felt him pop into me. 

I could feel his weight shift, pressing me down onto the bed as he bumped himself behind me. I remember the initial disbelief that I actually had a man’s cock inside me. I thought about my girlfriend getting fucked by someone else and tried to block out the burning his every movement was causing me. I repositioned myself a few times and eventually found that arching my butt up and keeping my chest flat on the bed seemed to lessen the hurt. It took a few minutes but it got better. I remember how good it felt once I was able to feel the full length of his stroke inside me. I felt wicked and sexy in a weird way, knowing I was giving an attractive hunk pleasure and I could tell he was getting into it. 

He alternated between wonderful slow long strokes and faster pounding me down into the bed. The sensation that he was all the way inside me was something I won’t forget. Feeling his balls bouncing around behind me reminded me how small my parts were in comparison. He held a pretty firm grip on my hips occasionally pushing my shoulders downward with one hand and I remember the sensation of being physically overpowered. I know I had feelings that I had never had before. I remember physically surrendering and letting him move me around however he wanted. I felt submissive to him the way he was dominant and talked roughly to me but mostly I felt feminine with him as I wiggled my ass against him and rubbed my back against him when he leaned over me. I imagined how my girlfriends body moved and how she would feel to him in this position. I listened to his breathing and grunting expecting him to cum at any moment from the sounds he was making. The only thing he said to me the whole time was "take that dick" and asking me if I liked it. I kept answering him that I did. I remember him calling me a fag a lot.

I remember that during all this how small and completely shriveled up I was. I didn't get an erection or feel like I was going to cum but I was incredibly turned on and I remember my penis was flowing with precum.  

He didn't last much longer and I felt him push into me hard and I could tell he was cumming. He stayed inside me for a minute longer and I felt his dick twitching as his breathing slowed before he let his cock slip out. He stood up and before I moved I heard him behind me zipping up his pants. He was out of the bedroom in under a minute and thankfully closed the door but I knew it wasn't locked.

I didn’t want to move and just stayed on my knees feeling exposed and slutty and used and strangely proud that my body had brought a man to orgasm. I could feel his mess leaking out between my ass and the cool sensation of his semen running down my leg. My girlfriend came to mind and I wondered if she was getting laid right then. I didn’t want to move but I got up slowly and made my way to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet. I heard drips of cum falling into the bowel and I farted a couple of wet messy farts. I wiped myself up before pulling up my pants and walking out to the bedroom. I had a new secret. 

I walked down the hallway to the kitchen and looked around halfheartedly for my girlfriend. By the time I got to the front room I could feel more wetness between my butt cheeks. I walked past a couple sitting on the couch and made it out the front door. I thought I saw the guy I had just been with in a group of guys talking in the driveway and I started to panic. I didn’t know what to do but I made my way around the other side and walked as quick as I could down the street to my car.

I got in and before turning the key I took a deep breath and thought about what I had just done. I was glad for the impossible odds that anyone would find out. I thought about how surprisingly natural it seemed to be attracted to a guys body and how easy it was for me to touch him. I think I surprised myself. I thought about his thick hard cock. Sitting there in the car I realized I was turned on with how forcefully he had talked to me and how he had called me a fag. He had been a dominant, horny man. Feeling sexy for him as his more powerful body held onto me and moved behind me was new and weird. I liked the messy wet sensation that leaked out of my ass the rest of the night. The femininity I felt with him was new and intoxicating and I enjoyed these new feelings all the way home.

Looking back I realize I was angry with myself that I had allowed myself to be in a relationship with an unfaithful girlfriend for so many months. I was ashamed that my classmates and probably some of the girls in the school knew about my inadequacies. I was sad that I had not been able to physically satisfy the first love of my life. I felt humiliated and my heart ached for her. I know that for the first time in my young life I had now started fantasizing about the men, the bigger, stronger, better endowed men and the reasons my girlfriend was having sex with them.

In some weird masochistic way I guess allowing myself to be used by a stronger, bigger man made sense and the pain he caused me physically gave some relief from the heartache. He also permanently put the experience of such a heavy strong cock in my mind. Every time I beat off I compare my thin weak penis to what I felt that night. Obviously, I had no way to know what interests, attractions or experiences I would grow to have but looking back I can see a pattern of being humiliated by women love relationships in one way or another and then submitting to dominant men with my natural femininity to feel sexually worthwhile.