For the next few weeks we reveled in exploring our new kink. We didn’t define it with terms like femdom or make rules … we just enjoyed where it organically went. Most every day not-yet-hubby would service my feet with his hands and mouth, begging to service more of me … begging to be abused to orgasm.

Most days I complied. But I was 5 months pregnant, so I didn’t always feel like getting fucked or putting as much work in as he was dreaming about in his femdom fantasy-crazed mind. Thus began our life of me telling him “no” – and I liked the angst, pain and tension that would cause him. Sometimes it turned me on. Other times I just emotionally enjoyed his pain and lack of satisfaction. When it turned me on, I would have him service me … even fuck me … but deny him orgasm too because it would just be “too much work.” That was the best feeling and I had no idea it was a standard femdom move. It just felt natural.

But most of the time I would get him off, as getting a guy off was also very natural and satisfactory to me and what I was most used to. And he just loved to eat it and for me to watch him eat it. Being pregnant and uncomfortable, I usually defaulted to footjobs and handjobs without much fanfare, feeding him his cum off my toes, shoes or fingers. But he needed more kink. Because of his urging, I began jerking him to stories of great sex I had with ex-lovers, making him cum on me where they did in the story and then “making” him lick up his cum while imagining it was my ex-lovers. Sometimes I’d make him cum on dessert food like donuts or chocolate bars and feed it to him.

But then tragedy struck. I had a miscarriage. As you can imagine, it was crushing. I won’t go into the pain or despair of it, because these are supposed to be fun and sexy blogs. But I want you to understand that to me it felt no different than if I child I had given birth to had died. And this was my first ever.

This wasn’t easy and it had a profound impact on our sex life and had the chance to destroy our relationship. Remember, we decided to move in together and soon get married because I was pregnant. Not being pregnant, perhaps neither of us would want to stay together. Certainly a potential we would each have to wrestle with.

And with our grief, and my drastic physical and hormonal changes, and this unspoken relation reevaluation on both sides, our sexual intimacy crashed. The kink definitely did.

But within a month, not-yet-hubby was doing his best to reinitiate intimacy – to his credit without the kink. I wasn’t feeling intimate. I didn’t want to feel vulnerable. And I didn’t care if he was satisfied or not. I was just unhappy. But in some mix of occasional horniness and realizing I needed to string him along while I sorted myself out, I indulged him a bit. I let him get me off but I couldn’t bring myself to let him fuck me, let alone cum inside me with all of those pregnancy connotations. I didn’t want to touch his cock. So I didn’t. He didn’t get to cum.

At first he was okay with this, but after 2 angst-filled months without getting to cum with me … without interest from me … he was frustrated and upset. Partially because he wasn’t orgasming, but mainly because he knew something was wrong with us. He told me his ex-wife used to do this to him over the last year of their marriage – she was fucking another man … regularly she would stay out late with this man, come home drunk and full of his cum, and still horny and guilty let not-yet-hubby eat her to orgasm. But she wouldn’t get him off. And he was starting to feel de ja vue.

I had to admit it to him. I was struggling with whether I wanted to marry him. I enjoyed dominating him – it had unleashed a part of me that was always there and getting in the way in prior relationships. But I didn’t know if I could remain sexually attracted long-term to a submissive man who I do these fucked up things to … especially if I’m regularly fucking other guys who are more my type. Basically I was torn. I suggested we take some time apart. The timing perfectly aligned with a 2 week backpacking trip he was taking to the mountains. I told him that when he came back, he needed to be able to answer whether he could be dominant – not submissive – if that’s what I want. And I would answer whether I could ever see him as dominant again and whether I could love him as a submissive, if that was his choice.

Over the next two weeks I put the work in. I read my diaries/journals and our emails (usually fights) from the times I was trying to seriously date other more “typically alpha” types. I even talked to two of them about how / if I was challenging to date – spoiler alert … they both said I was constantly undermining the stereotypical masculine behaviors I said I wanted from them, basically topping them from the bottom both sexually and non-sexually. They said I was controlling, but in a passive/aggressive way, and selfish (especially in bed). Each also said that he didn’t trust that he was enough for me sexually. Though I reminded them I never cheated, both said it felt like a matter of time because it felt like I was always keeping part of myself separate, hidden and inaccessible to them. They couldn’t get real intimacy. I thought I was always submissive in bed – but both said I was dominant, though not in an active way … more like controlling.

And yes – I fucked both of them again. I wanted to show them that I could be submissive. And I wanted to hurt not-yet-hubby. I wanted to know if I made a mistake with either of them and if feelings would rekindle as they fucked me.  It turned out that I actually needed to get fucked again, but was just too caught up in my emotions to want it at home. I had a great time exploring being truly submissive to a man in bed and letting him truly have his way with me. I was shocked that for one of them I immediately started having feelings for him, which was unique for me during sex (and I would later deduce is the natural consequence of truly submitting, giving myself to someone and being totally vulnerable. Neither of the experiences was kinky – just straight up rather vanilla hardcore pounding, hair pulling and biting.  

This was the beginning of my conscious journey to be submissive in bed. And most nights over the next week I gave myself to my ex who I was falling for all over again in a new way. I was giddy looking forward each day to being with him later, excited to please him, excited to be pleased in the process.

But I couldn’t ignore that I also seemed to have a naturally dominant side. So I began researching female domination – porn and books – which quickly led me to cuckolding.  I was shocked to discover that these conflicting feelings I have … and the resulting different lifestyles - are also a thing for other women and men who love them … to have one man who supports and services you however you want, who you dominate, and other men on the side who you submit to. I learned about loving different men in different ways at the same time. I read about ethical non-monogamy from Esther Perel. I learned about how to keep a man happy as a sub … and was happy to see that my sadistic side would really help at that. I saw a lot about interracial cuckolding and a focus on humiliating your sub’s manhood. I saw that making your sub do gay stuff was big and I do love the gays. I read about femdom contracts and downloaded one that I edited to be more focused on what I want and what he would have to do to support me. I decided this was for me … getting my cake in life and eating it too. And any man who wanted to and could deliver something that unique to me is very special, someone I want to hang on to, someone I can love and commit myself to.  

But then I began to worry – what if he was deciding at that moment to be dominant for me and wouldn’t want this? After what I knew about him and the things he had loved me doing to him, I could never submit to him in the same, intense, satisfying way I was now submitting to my ex.

When not-yet-hubby returned, it was awkward. The ball was in his court, because I had asked him to decide if he could be dominant. Sitting on the couch together, hesitantly he told me his answer … and more of his story than he had ever told before.

When he separated from his ex-wife after a year plus of no sex, and an even longer time of feeling she did not desire him as a lover or sexually, he was looking to get around as much as possible. He hooked up with women in many ways, some standard hook-ups like at bars and through social groups, but some more adventurous like taking group dance lessons, joining some political organizing/advocacy groups … and most adventurous, going on AdultFriendFinder.

On that site he found multiple couples looking for another guy as a third. They ran the gambit with motivations – some were couples trading each other threesomes one-time only … a guy for her this time and next time a girl for him. Some seemed toxic, like unhappy couples trying to salvage something or punish each other. But he said one couple really stood out to him and he was in awe of how in love they were … especially because of the naughty things they were doing. All the details of what they did should probably be a separate blog post. It’s enough to say this couple was in a loving femdom relationship, wanting to carefully open it up to a cuckold relationship after many years of fantasy playing that space. The husband was submissive and bi-curious. The wife loved dominating him with BDSM, but wanted to be submissive while getting fucked by another man. My not-yet-hubby was asked to be a dominant to both of them. And so for almost a year, he was a part of this couples relationship.

As much fun as he had, not-yet-hubby told me he was jealous of what they had … of what the husband had.  Not-yet-hubby said he wished he had a loving wife dominating him, teasing and mocking him while fucking another man in front of him. He wished he was being beaten instead of being the one giving the beating. After years of eating his cheating, lying wife’s creampies from other men, wished he was cleaning a creampie from a wife who openly and lovingly flaunted it. Even wished he was sucking another man’s dick … his wife’s lover’s dick in front of his wife, so embarrassing, instead of having his dick sucked by the husband.

He told me this craving had been with him since he first discovered sexual desire as a young teen. Also a blog for another day about both of our first sexual experiences, suffice it to say for now that when he was 14 his middle aged female married neighbor caught him masturbating while watching her sunbathing. She told her husband. The next time not-yet-hubby was masturbating to her, spying on her from his old dirt floor shed and masturbation sanctuary, her husband opened the shed door and caught him.  But instead of beating him up or stopping him, the neighbor man told him that the wife liked it when he watched her and masturbated. And the man would prove it. He knocked on the shed window and waved, she looked up from her lawn chair, smiled and took off her swimsuit to sunbathe nude … spreading her legs so not-yet-hubby could see his first real pussy.

The man asked not-yet-hubby “would you like to smell her pussy?” He sheepishly replied “yes” … and remember he’s a fully naked 14 year old standing with a hard dick in front of a dressed adult man. The man pulls out a pair of underwear and said “Here are her dirty underwear,” taking a smell himself before handing them to not-yet-hubby, who sheepishly took a smell too. “Lick them” the man said, so not-yet-hubby licked them. “She tastes good doesn’t she?” “Yes” not-yet-hubby embarrassingly said. “You know why they taste so good? Because last time you were watching her and jerking off in here, she saw you. And that made her horny. So she fucked me while telling me about it. And then she put these panties on. You’re tasting how wet her pussy got for YOU … and the cum I shot into her because of how hot you got her. You want to fuck her too, shoot your cum inside of her hot, wet, tight pussy instead of on this dirty floor?”

At this point not-yet-hubby said he was so achingly hard. This was like a Penthouse forum letter. But it would have a twist. “Absolutely” not-yet-hubby replied. ”Well first you have to earn it. Show her how much you want her. What lengths you’ll go to for the privilege of being with her.” “What do I have to do?” not-yet-hubby excitedly asked, thinking maybe he’d do chores like mowing the grass for them. “If you want to pleasure her, first you have to pleasure me. On your knees.”  

From there you can imagine what happened. For the entirety of his high school years, not-yet-hubby was a fuck and suck toy for his neighbor man, with the full knowledge, support and increasingly active encouragement of his wife … a swinger couple … until the day he earned eating a creampie from her and finally the day when he was 18 and got to fuck her.

The relevance he said was that from the start of his sexuality, he had been treated submissively, lovingly used by other people for their pleasure, and all under the apparent control of a woman.  He was embarrassed and loved it. He was “made” to do gay things at the command of and to prove himself to a woman and loved it. The things the neighbor man did to him were inventive and in the realm of BDSM. One of his favorite things was getting peed on laying on that dirt floor of his shed and then getting pounded in the ass in the resultant piss mud. The fucking was hot, the sucking and swallowing cum was hot, drinking his pee was hot. He loved bottoming for this man, but what made it special was the wife ostensibly overseeing it all … being a topic of dirty talk while the husband used him, like “swallow this dick all the way into your throat. Gag for me. Just like you’re going to make my wife gag on your cock soon. Suck it like you’re her.” It was the woman that he craved most … if not needed to there to pull it all together for him.

Not-yet-hubby said “I’m sorry. I’m not normal when it comes to sex. I can be dominant in bed – I’ve been doing it most of my adult life - but it’s pretend. What I really need is to submit in some very dirty ways. When we met I had reached a point where I knew I had to be true to myself and find someone I can submit to, though I honestly never expected to find her or find someone who could dominate in all the fucked up ways I crave. But then I met you, and there was something about you that told me you were the one. And so far you have been. I’m sorry. I love you so much. And I want you so much. And I still want to marry you. But I can’t be your dominant. And I don’t think you would be satisfied if I was. I need to submit to you to be fully satisfied”

I looked at him deep in his eyes and saw this was his truth. It was everything I hoped he’d say about what he wanted. And honestly hearing about him being dominated for years by a man fit perfectly with what I’d discovered about sub cuckolds and I wanted to do to him. I couldn’t have been happier.

“So you want to be my submissive?” I said. “Yes. I need to be, he replied. “If you’re submissive, shouldn’t you be acting like it now? I said. “Shouldn’t you be kneeling at my feet? Well I’m waiting.” Not-yet-hubby kneeled at my feet a bit confused. Then I told him my decision and my conditions.

“I’ve been thinking too. Am I dominant or submissive? I talked to some of my exes to learn if they thought I acted dominant or submissive. I fucked them both too. I’ve continued fucking one of them almost every day for over a week and I think I’m falling in love with him again. That is because I’m learning to embrace my submissive side and I’m giving myself to him with a vulnerability I don’t think I had ever done before. I know now that I need to be sexually submissive to men in order to be totally fulfilled, and I never really did that before … I’ve always mixed domination and submission. No one has ever had a fair chance satisfying me before – you included. After knowing what I do about you and having done the things to you that I have, I can never submit to you in the way that I’m submitting to [insert lover’s name – not to be named], so you can never satisfy me in that way”

Not-yet-hubby was super dejected. This was sounding like a rejection, a break-up to him. And if I’m being honest, I deliberately mislead him like that to fuck with his emotions. Seeing his pain and knowing I was going to turn it to joy was making me wet.

I continued “But as much as I need to satisfy my submissive side without you, I cannot ignore that I also have a dominant streak that I also need to satisfy. I have decided that sexual monogamy is not for me. What I need is a man at home … a husband … who I am dominant to. In bed and everywhere else. By dominant I mean superior – where what I want comes first. I need a husband who supports my selfishness. Who makes everything about what would please me first and only then tries to figure out what he wants out of it. A man who can live with sometimes getting the sexual attention he craves, but often doesn’t. And when he does get it, it will be in a twisted way that might not be the twisted way he prefers … but likes it and wants it still, because it’s from me and it’s abusive and he needs to be abused by me more than anything else. I need a husband who enjoys suffering for me, because I want someone I can make suffer without negative consequences, and who actually loves me more for it. I want a husband who worships me. Puts my sexual pleasure before his and regularly suffers my tests to prove it. I want a husband who gets off on the suffering caused by me fucking other men who I submit to. I want a husband who watches these other men take me, use me… who helps them use me, helps give me pleasure during it, who enjoys the humiliation of it.

But I don’t want this husband to be a little bitch. I want a big, strong alpha man, who I just happen to own. I need a husband who fucks me like a dominant beast … understanding that he’s a beast on my leash and loving my leash. I need a masochist who helps me be a sadist. I can probably settle for less. But for me to be totally fulfilled, this is what I want. Are you the man I need?”

With tears in his eyes, not-yet-hubby replied “I am everything you want in a husband. I was born to be your husband. And anywhere it turns out I’m lacking, I will devote myself to improving for you. I want nothing more than to be your submissive boy toy, to be abused by you, to worship you, to put your needs first, to be your loving, suffering cuckold. Please …please make me the happiest man alive and be my hotwife … take me as your cuckold slave. Let me make you happy for the rest of your life”

Now with tears in my eyes, I accepted and kissed him passionately. To seal our arrangement, we fucked right there on the floor. Normally after a while I would have wrapped my legs around him and told him to cum inside me. Not this time. This time I told him to stop and eat me. As he devoured me, I told him my lover had cum in me twice the night before and I hadn’t showered yet. He moaned with pleasure knowing he was tasting my promiscuousness. I told him about how great my lover was in bed and how I was falling for him as he licked me over the edge of orgasm after orgasm.

While I lay there recovering, not-yet-hubby lay to my side, humping me with his raging cock. I reached over and absent-mindedly began stroking him. But every time he started to get worked up, moaning and thrusting in my hand, I would back off the tempo. I did this a few times until he was quite frustrated and said “are you just going to tease me or make me cum too?!” I began vigorously jerking him, enough that it was hurting him and said “Aren’t you my slave? Aren’t you supposed to beg me if you want to cum?” With that he started begging desperately “please make me cum!” “Please Ma’am make me cum you mean,” I corrected him. “Yes! Yes! I’m sorry. Please Ma’am make me cum!” he screamed out thrashing in the grip of my vice-like handjob. And that is when I hit his balls …. HARD … with my free hand, like I saw in the videos on sites like this. He screamed in pain and then frustration as I released his cock. “No,” I said. “If we’re going to do this right, we need to focus all of our attention on my pleasure and your suffering.  Right now I don’t see how your orgasm helps either of those things. Now go get in the shower kneeling and wait for me there.

Taking my time, I eventually joined him in the bathroom, happy to see him kneeling but unhappy his cock wasn’t hard anymore. I got in the shower and standing with him kneeling at belly level I said “This is unsatisfactory. Why aren’t you hard? You know something fun is going to happen. Don’t you want it?” He immediately began falling all over himself apologizing, taking my criticism to heart which I was happy to see and which made me laugh because I never imagined he would still be hard. I was just fucking with him. “Hands on your head. Spread your legs,” I said. “I’m going to punish you for not being ready for me.”  With that I began kicking his cock and balls. Lightly at first, but progressively harder until he was doubled over in pain and begging for mercy. That was when I pulled his face into my pussy and began peeing. As he desperately gulped me down, I warned him not to spill a drop or he’d be punished again.

When I was finished draining myself down his throat, I made him continue kneeling while I showered. I ordered him to wash me head to toe, and used him as a foot stool while shaving my legs. After I was clean, I gave him a nice handjob with soap, taking him to the edge several times, but ultimately leaving him unfulfilled with a urethra painfully burning from the soap. Then I ordered him to dry off and meet me kneeling and naked by the dining room table, where we would discuss our marriage contract.