|
The girl who understood me
|
|
When I was young, I had a girlfriend whose best friend, Joyce, disliked me. She didn't hate me; it was contempt, which she didn't hide, and she probably read my true character better than my girlfriend. She saw me more clearly than my girlfriend who was emotionally biased. The thing is, I was very sexually excited by Joyce's unconcealed hostility despite the fact that I wasn't physically attracted to her. It gave me a hard on and I fantasied about her when I wanked. In one of my fantasies, my girlfriend was asking me which of her friends I fancied. I said Joyce. My girlfriend was angry. She doesn't even like you, she snapped. I know, I replied, that's why. Because we were kids and knew nothing about psychology, neither of us understood what this meant. Later, I realised that my aggression - never physical – towards women was really a mask for my fear of them and my desire to be submissive. Submissiveness has long been part of masturbatory fantasies which I have never dared play out in real life. When my girlfriend wanted to spank me, I woudn't play which I've always regretted. I didn't understand that I wouldn't let her do it because I wanted to be spanked but shrank from seeming weak in front of her. Instead, I thought about being masturbated and spanked by Joyce who would have had no interest in doing either to me. The difference is that doing it with my girlfriend would have been a game. Doing it with Joyce and feeling the full weight of her contempt would have been the humiliation I craved but did not dare to admit to for a long time. I divide the women I've known, but not necessarily slept with, into two groups, those like my girlfriend with whom I had normal relations and those like Joyce whom I wanted to humiliate me. There were two women at work both of whom I liked but never slept with. The first I often masturbated about because I saw her as a willing masturbation partner. The second, who was openly knowing about male sexuality, I did not dare even fantasise about because I feared her contempt so vividly. I masturbate for her now but it's taken years.
|
| |
| |
Posted on : Dec 12, 2021
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
