As I was spending my time wearing girls' clothes and dreaming of being just like them I was obviously questioning my sexuality.

Only one guy I was friends with made me stroke off to him - Michael. We use to camp out in his grandmother's backyard near my house and listen to the top 40 countdown and talk mosyt of the nite. He was a cute guy and the girls loved him. He would lay there and tellme about the girls he had had experiences with from school - touching their breasts or fingering them.Of course my dick would get hard listening to him and I'm sure his dick was too as we talked about the girls we liked.

One nite as we were talking I honestly hoped he would ask if my dick was hard because his was and would I like to touch it. Of course he never did and I certainly wasn't going to ask. But I did jerk off for a long time wishing he had. I'm sure if he had have he and I would have had a gay experience at some point. He drifted from my friend group and I didn't have feeling for any other guys so I felt it was a phase.

What wasn't a phase was my lust to dress like a girl and be just like Suzanne and her friends.

I knew what I was doing and what I wanted to happen wasn't what my friends were dreaming of - they were chasing girls and bragging about their exploits. I knew I could never tell of my desires - not to my friends nor the girls whose panties I was wearing.

Ashamed I actually became scared of girls. The things I wanted from them were not manly and if caught they would probably either tell their boyfriends who would kick my ass or the girls would keep my secret but humiliate me. And that became my fantasy - that the girls allowed me to wear their clothes in front of them but they would call me a sissy, that I secretly wanted to suck cock or take a cock up the ass. I masterbated dreaming they would make me suck a dildo as they taught me to be a good girl or shoved it up my ass saying that I should get use to it.

I also jerked off to the thought of them telling me my dick was tiny and useless to them. They would stand naked in front of me laughing that they were 'safe' because I was no sexual threat to them.

And that was the mentality I took into the real world. I wanted my teen fantasies more than I wanted any real sexual relationship. Unfortunately I was never able to find girls to indulge my fetishes (aside from paying hookers) and I never could bring myself to confide my true desires to any girl I was dating because I thought they would callme a pervert. So it's a secret shame I've held inside for the next forty years.

Unable to release these frustrations (and my Suzanne moving out with my brother) I no longer had the access I did and I had to find another realease.

I did this by getting my licence and spending my time driving up the coast to beaches far from my home and becoming a beach perv. I would wander every weekend along beaches perving on girls in bikinis wishing I had their bodies and the chance to go home with them and wear those bikinis like I had when I lived with Suzanne. I already had a CFNM fetish but showing girls my dick was exhilerating - except I struggled to get an erection for them so my little penis humiliation became even stronger. Thankfully this was pre mobile phones and surveillance cameras and I went about my adventures without sanction.

Until one weekend I slipped up and the police got my car rego and called me. Thankfully it coincided with me about to move and I avoided detection but I became worried. This occured around the time I got my first computer and my perversion would be focussed now online a world I fully inhabit - without it I think I would have been in more trouble.

I miss the experiences I use to get up too - they were thrilling times and they are the only things I can really get an erection to which is why I'm always looking backwards.