I am somewhat perturbed to learn some ladies are avoiding the punishment they so richly deserve by claiming a “lack of spare time”.

I’m not having it.

As you may be aware, any problem in the world can be overcome if my advice is followed.

Here is how you can create the time necessary for me to thrash your arse and make you cry:

• Facebook – don’t use it. They’re evil. If you want to express yourself you can do it on my site Sywwow.com (yes, you can join and put your stuff on there)
• Bathroom – avoid going in the bathroom and spending absolutely ages in there doing god knows what
• Talking – stay clear of the usual subjects that devour so much time: shoes, handbags and bananas
• Talking – don’t waste time discussing what a twat I am. I’m a twat. Everyone knows this. I’m not going to change. If anything, I’ll just get worse.
• Mirrors – don’t spend, quite literally, hours looking in the mirror finding faults with yourself. I love you just the way you are (I’ll tell you a little secret now, very often, it’s these so-called ‘faults’ that are the most beautiful thing about you)
• Web – don’t fret and look stuff up on the web about corporal punishment. I know what I’m doing; you are safe with me. If in doubt, look at my website – it’s all there. Everything.
• Boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends – they are irrelevant. This is between you & I. They can fend for themselves. My tarts abandon me (rarely) and, apart from the odd fire and incident that gets in the papers, I do just fine.

Now, following my advice, you should free up 48 hours per week. This is more than enough time for me to deal with you even if you are a ‘special case’

 I make the world a little better every single day. It's what I do. I'm known for it