Here I sit with new ideas of things that I want to express to whoever is interested, and one of the things that I got thinking about tonight was talking about why I do this, the cross dressing and naked man search and exposure thing that is. There are many elements inter-weaved within each other that span a range from the complex to the insanely simple. I happen to know for a fact that there are many people in my community here who know that I do this and are more or less tracking what I do on these adult websites. Being a very deep person, I think about things like this quite a bit, and being a very expressionful person, I thought this was a very good topic to talk about in regard to the different ways people interpret what I think, do and say.

As I have said before and I will say again, it is quite indescribable how it feels and what happens to you when you find an interest in exploring and actually indulging in what it’s like to be a woman. You go through a lot in the process of determining the role of such a direction in your life, many times wondering if you are crazy, wondering why it feels so good, wondering about what others would think if they knew about it, and that all-encompassing fear that somebody might find out that you express yourself through dressing, acting, and thinking as a woman. It’s not an easy thing to find yourself indulging in something that a great majority of our society considers taboo and wrong. I have had numerous situations where and when people found out that I cross-dressed, that I posted online in very compromising sexual situations, whether completely nude, in partial dress, or fully dressed in women’s clothing. Those are times that are horrifyingly humiliating, worrisome on the part of both me and those around me, as well as destructive as far as relationships, career path, and a host of other things.

I will be doing these blogs and stories as I go through my life, and what will develop is an enveloping story of me and my life, almost a biography if you will. I don’t know how many people will actually read what I have to say, but I enjoy expressing myself, not because I’m narcissistic or anything like that, but rather I enjoy knowing some of you follow what I say here, and though there are few of you who express in your own way that I am an inspiration in your own paths toward cross-dressing and other endeavors, it is very heartening to be an open, confident and fearless example for those of you out there who are experiencing the fears, the relationship problems, and everything else that happens to you and those around you when you make further decisions to indulge once again in something that is not considered normality by a tremendous percentage of people who we live amongst.

When looking at what society thinks, for me it is easy to understand what the concerns are on the part of people when they know that I not only cross-dress, but also have an interest in having sex with men and I like to expose myself on the Internet. Unfortunately, what is not necessarily understood, nor should it or would it necessarily be understood, is that no differently than most anything else in our lifetimes, there is black and there is white and there is hell of a lot of gray. I live a lot in the gray area. On the furthest extreme, which of course is a major concern for law-abiding decent folk around us in our communities, there are those hell-bent on pushing the limits of transgenderism, and do what is considered by society to be very destructive, especially around the nuclear family and of course kids. These will be the people we see in the news who are trying to infiltrate our schools and other communal organizations in order to indoctrinate younger and younger people, behavior that is seen as a societal deviation and probably a mental disorder. These are people I have seen who bring lawsuits against entities like the people who put on the Macy’s parade. This is where I happen to have spent a tremendous amount of time thinking about and reflecting and empathizing with people who have concerns about men who are this flamboyantly open about flaunting transgenderism.

I have my own discomfort when thinking about this level of indulgence within the transgender movement. No differently than how we are purposely or non-purposely indoctrinated to think about so many things we experience in life that we don’t have any life experience to draw from, it is very easy to erroneously lump all of the transgender community as being extremists in what they do. I happen to be quite different in my approach to my life in regard to what my goals are and what my limits are as well. I will never be accused of flaunting any of my interests in dressing like a woman or wanting to have sex with men. Rather, any of my interest in or my involvement with being naked or being cross-dressed or having sex with men is done behind closed doors.

Now what gets interesting about this is that there are people who discovered that I enjoy my life as a cross-dresser and they focus a fair amount of their time apparently more or less stalking me and trying to make me out to be someone who exists in the extremist category. They couldn’t be any further from the truth with me, and I surely have absolutely no interest in making anybody uncomfortable, especially members of the family unit. The fact that most people don’t understand anything about indulging in something that is actually as beautiful, free, expressive and loving as cross-dressing and understanding a sensual, empathic, and respectful facet of what I and others do, really is most unfortunate as those of us who do indulge with limits and practicality happen to be some of the most caring and grounded people you could ever meet.

The word sensual will be used by me quite a bit in my discussions about my endeavors and explorations while figuring out who and what I am in this life, because what I don’t aspire to in my own life is the adherence to provinciality that most people around us blindly accept as normality. Many of us learn in our lives to avoid things you love, as crazy as that sounds. In my own readings and writings and discussions about existentialism, it becomes quite a titillating conversation when talking about what humans really are, what our purpose is, whether there is life after death and a host of so many other things that we don’t know anything about. Humans by nature, and this is not just my own opinion on this, dreadfully fear not having answers to things there are no answers for. A classic example of this of course is what we all believe happens to us when we die. When we are told there is a God and heaven and hell and other things as young people, many of us will gravitate toward such belief systems and find solace in having faith in something that makes sense but doesn’t necessarily bear out truth. It is okay for us as humans to want answers, but a very interesting aspect about my life is that I find not knowing answers there are no answers to, to be exciting and I accept the fact that I don’t have answers and I don’t dwell on the fact I don’t have answers.

So when it comes to doing things that people are not necessarily used to seeing in our culture, like transgenders and gays and lesbians and many other especially sexually expressive things, of course most people not knowing much about, or anything about, such differences in opinions and behaviors does indeed scare people. It concerns them at a minimum. I don’t go out of my way to keep what I do out of the limelight, rather I just don’t have a need to flaunt what I believe and what I do in the face of those who would be uncomfortable around a person like me. There is of course a whole discussion on whose rights are being infringed upon in a debate between me and them; me of course believing in who I am and following what my spirit guides me to do, and them, who have settled into a lifestyle within which there is little interest in having to make change. Life to me is absolutely nothing but change. This is part of why I am logging what I am experiencing in these blogs, because my profiles online are works in progress, not static pages that simply tell the story of a snapshot in a person’s life. As I change, my information on my adult dating websites changes, my views change, my limits change, my life changes.

And if there is any one thing that I love about my life, it is the fact that recognizing that I have absolutely no idea what will happen to me in the afterlife allows me to follow my spirit, my love of life, to do beautiful, loving and helpful things. Being able to understand that what I do should not have a negative impact on others, allows me to put myself in situations that shouldn’t by all intents and purposes concern anybody amongst me. But that is not the case unfortunately in my situation presently. As can be easily expected, people will judge, even against their own religious teachings, people like me who do absolutely nothing except love life, help others, and find self love.

I know for a fact not many people in the provincial world are able to express that they are free from indoctrinations and obstacles and limits and fears. That is a most unfortunate expectation from people who don’t live truly free lives. And that is not for me to judge what people think, do or say. But the irony is that most people do feel the necessity for judging me, not for the true beautiful character I represent, but rather things I do. Like cross-dressing. Though this is actually becoming a lifestyle, this started out as and really is more or less a hobby of sorts to cross-dress and to act and think like a woman, as well as finding love and understanding and true fulfillment in being able to love other men.

With all this being said, I love who I am and I love my life, and I love those of you who are getting to know me and chat with me and tell me stories of your own lives. There is such an amazing expansion of love of life and for other people and for all living things when you start to understand that it is societal indoctrination that stops us from doing those things our inner beings are inspiring us to do. I know this from experience. I’ve written about how I got into cross-dressing in the first place, and that I started wearing high heel shoes because I had to have a hip operation and I was researching ways to make my legs and hips strong again after such a destructive infringement within my body.

After I started wearing high heel shoes as an experiment to see if that would actually make me stronger, I indeed felt erotic, and sensual, excited and yet removed from believing that what I was experiencing should be considered a normal interaction with my life. I didn’t dare tell anybody about what I was doing, and I have written about how high heels were the gateway drug toward my not only indulging in cross-dressing and adopting feminine mannerisms, but eventually taking pictures and videos of myself and posting those online as well as eliciting sex with men. ‘Uncomfortable’ is not a strong enough word as far as how I felt when I first started to indulge in something that ironically seemed so radically natural.

I wake up every single day now, and I marvel at how much I love my life, how much I love who I have become as a very decent human being with a tremendous amount of honesty and an endless range of empathy. I don’t think anything in this life at this point short of something tragic could stop me from my ascent toward spiritual and individual enlightenment. I will talk about what that exactly means in my life as I do more of these blogs and stories. If that doesn’t make sense to you, suffice it to say that once you find something you love, truly love, unconditional love, and you pursue it with integrity, wonder and sincerity, life begins to show how important it is for us to develop in areas we would normally have shut off because society says that we're not supposed to do those things. And as I spend my days indulging in and enjoying this lifestyle, I love more of everything in my life than I could ever describe. And I mention in a previous blog that I had a bad car accident a couple years ago. I’m not sure that I mentioned that I died three separate times while I was in the hospital. I am not here to make any kind of case about death, what it is, what it was like or anything else.

What I can say is simply understanding the fact that I did die and I have been dead and have been given a second and third chance, it is my imperative to discover who and what I am and figure out how I can become a more beautiful person and to be able to help other people discover how beautiful they are. That actually is happening, in my daily activities and interactions within my relationships with people and even animals, and it happens quite a bit here on these websites as I provide a view within my own soul and being. I don’t do this necessarily for the attention for example, though it is utterly tantalizing to have men say nice things about me and tell me they want to have sex with me, but what I enjoy more than anything is you guys telling me how much you enjoy what I do and that I am an inspiration for you. There is nothing that could be more beautiful in my life than to be a role model of sorts for anybody else. I am told that people think I am a miracle because of what I endured and though I don’t consider myself a miracle, I understand that what people are actually saying is that they respect me and maybe admire me for getting through the abject difficulties in relative impossibilities that I did. I will talk about those kinds of things another time.

After having been what I and others considered being a heterosexual, it is pure enlightenment to understand that I am actually bisexual. I love watching other men find their own truths in their own life growth. It is actually a remarkable thing to recognize how many men are starting to feel the same way I do about sensuality, kindness, gentleness, caring, empathy and a host of other traits and characteristics. I am inspired by all of you, whether you indulge in things like cross-dressing, or if you show appreciation for men who are doing that, and by those of you who have come to the understanding as well that it is society that has told us at an early age that sex between men and men and between women and women is not acceptable and is considered taboo. So many men, so many of us, delightfully are expressing how much we want to love other men, whether sexually and/or in our own interactions with and respect for existentialism. We are all here to love one another, regardless who we are within limits, regardless of what we like to do within limits. We are here to make the world a more beautiful place. With that comes a lot of power, and so in any indulgence and lifestyle, hobby, career path or whatever, we have to live objectively and recognize that there are truly things that we should not damage as far as balances in life or even karma kinds of things. We are not to hurt other people, especially young people, for example.

I have such amazing humility for what has happened to me. I wouldn’t change anything in the world right now, and I would go through every single same life experience that I’ve gone through if that is what it would take to bring me to the point I am now. I grow every day, I learn every day, I love each and everybody more every day. I become kinder, gentler, more understanding every single day. And my guess is somehow this is precisely what women feel just because of being a woman. I encourage any of you to explore things that are inspiring you, and I would love to hear your own stories. Always feel that you have a friend in me, maybe even a lover, and at the very least a friend who will always listen and care about you. This life thing is brutally difficult at times, and I for one would never change how cross-dressing and involving myself in such beautiful things in life fulfill me to the point where I would like to be able to provide help or answers for your own struggles.

Much, if not most of this, is about Platonic caring about each other. That kind of growth has permeated my whole existence and continues to do so every single day. What is happening to me now is I understand my need for and your need for extending beyond this facet of life growth into the physical realm where we enjoy sex and physical love with each other. I know I will be having sexual relations with men again soon, and from the input I get from most you guys is that you feel the way I do in that you aren’t necessarily getting the love, involvement, expression, and down-right primality that we men should experience. I and the rest of you are here to make the world a better place for everyone, especially men. I am absolutely blown away with how much lust and love I feel when I think about licking and smelling and tasting and sucking and touching and fondling and nuzzling and pleasuring your bodies.

And after this tremendously long blog I will end on that note. I have no idea how many men will actually read this blog, but those of you who do, by all means understand how real I am, how fearless I am in deflecting obstacles that society wants to put on my life, how much I love you and want to pleasure you, and how much I just plain enjoy knowing that I give you something to look forward to, to masturbate to, to want to explore within your own lives. I love all of you and wish I had the opportunity to show my love by touching you, pleasuring you, role-playing with you, and whispering secret taboo things in your ears.

That just put a smile on my face.

Good night.