Thanks to my award-winning site, sywwow.com , I have been offered a part in a porn film [I do have acting experience and, in fact have a forthcoming job in a commercial for a car leasing company].

I have a copy of the, so-called, script. My part is that of a husband whom, complete with briefcase returns home presumably early, to find no trace of his wife. Going upstairs he finds the bedroom door ajar - isn't it always.

Through the gap in said door he does see his wife engaging in sexual activity with two men. He [I] watch the entire proceedings as they perform an entire repertoire of fornicating acts. Reality would dictate that I got myself a chair or, from the kitchen, a stool.

After they perform a facial finish, I burst in all angry and indignant. The two men depart, laughing.

I, rightly peeved at my dear wife, spank her by way of expressing this annoyance.

This spanking, naturally, leads to the cane, belt and whip. Then, tangentially, I insert objects in her. These items include a cucumber. Why would you have a cucumber in a bedroom?

Now she’s remorseful and ingratiates herself by performing oral sex on me. I relent and we have sex. I must penetrate her vaginally and anally.

At this point, I must say she the lady in question is an extraordinary beauty which is of undoubted benefit in a demanding role of this sort.

Ultimately, I finish on her face. It's a romance after all.

Then, inexplicably, the two guys reappear. We happy three then all do her, simultaneously. Each of us must ejaculate inside her - I get her mouth.

All in all, a riveting drama akin to classics such as Great Expectations and Moby Dick.

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I don't think I'll do it: It's too much like my real life.