Ok you twats, the existing sperm calculator is just fine: It’s Here

But, you pervs wanted an app so you can calculate on the go.

Ergo, point your thing at the QR code and let me know how you get on.

Please note this is being worked on so you may get keep getting asked to get latest version until I’ve finished working on it.

Also, it’s a hosted solution which is not ideal [I want my own app on Google Play] but this is the best I can do at present.

There's more:

The app exists, in an embedded form, on my site:

https://sywwow.com/drink2

In response to a query the max bottle size is now the Sywwow (480L which is equvalent to 160,000 Loads). If you consume more than that you'll have to keep track of your Sywwows.

The largest bottle in the world is 480Litres. I checked with the owner and it "has no name" - it does now it's 'Sywwow'.

I do stuff

Ridiculous is my middle name - if I had one, which I don't: that would be  Ridiculous.