People are curious about what we wear under our habit. In summer, I wear nothing because the full length habit is hot. In winter, I wear a thick vest and long johns because the convent is cold, especially the chapel where it is hard to stop shivering. The normal clothes I wore when I arrived, including my bra and pants, were taken away by my parents. Some of the sisters bind their breasts to flatten them but it is not obligatory and I do not. My breasts are in any case rather small. I have my own cell where I sleep and therefore enjoy privacy. It is forbidden to leave the cell after lights out but I know that some of the sisters visit each other secretly This is tolerated by being ignored provided the are discreet. I do not myself have a relationship with another sister but masturbation is a great solace for me. I am a bride of Christ and it is of my husband in God that I think when I touch myself in my cell. So, yes. I do have a sexual life although it is a soliatary one. I was not sexually experienced before finding my vocation and entering the convent at the age of 22 but I had been with boys as a teenager. I am still a virgin – some of the sisters are not – but I had indulged in heavy petting which included mutual masturbation with boys. Three boys to be precise. My confessor knows that I masturbate and that I sleep naked when it is warm enough to do so. He urges me to resist temptation but says also that masturbation is a gift from God and not a sin in moderation. He is less sure about the naked sleeping but does not forbid it. Nudity in itself is not sinful. I sometimes masturbate kneeling and praying in front of the big crucifix on my wall and sometimes in or on my cot. I close my eyes and imagine that the fingers caressing me are those of Christ. I think of what Christ's penis must be like, what it would be like to have it in my vagin or my mouth, to taste his divine sperm on my tongue. I do sometimes wish I could be touched by another person again. I do not know what I would do if I were approached by another sister. The priest has asked me if I have ever lusted after another nun or have indulged in lesbian relations which means that it goes on. He accepted my denial without comment. Our washing facilities are communal as are the lavatories so we have no bodily secrets from each other. We shower in cold water so there is little incentive to linger and from what I have seen, there is no sister with whom I wish to be intimate. I am 45 now and have been here for 23 years, longer in cloisters than in the outside world. It is sometimes a lonely life and as I have told you, I am not immune to sexual temptation. I sometimes regret that I did not allow a man to penetrate me so that I would have that memory to console me as well as that of the mutual masturbation which is such a comfort. Mostly, I am reconciled to the reality that it will never happen. My vocation is still strong and I am happy here giving myself to Jesus both physically and spiritually.