"It took me years to get to that point, this kind of point of no return. I'd always been very sexual but there I was, 25, good job, living in the city on my own for the first time. The first time I had an inkeling that I had a problem was when guys would call and I literally couldn't remember their names. I'd screwed them, and I'd moved on.  

 My bed had become this kind of alter to the fucking FUCKMOSTER. I couldn't get enough. It wasn't dating. If i met you at that point in my life, I really probably would have only asked you your name out of courtesy. If I liked your look, and I had a pretty good knack for picking sexually active and enabled guys, I'd just tell you what I wanted.

I'd cut out the 'bullshit.' And by bullshit, I meant any ordinary sense of human existance.

I'm 36 now and I've been through counseling, support groups, on different kinds of medication to make it easier to not be tormented by it. The fuckmonster. The lust. But then, in the middle of the night, I still wake up with my nipples hard and tingling and the visceral sence that I need something railing me between my legs. It's a curse. Sometimes a beautiful curse.

I feel like it's even hard to describe unless you've been there. Worse, I feel like I kinda' sorta lead a few men there.. lead them there by the balls. Where they probably were just horny before but I brought them into this circle of people and behavior that's kind of actually destructive to relationships.

I am not married. I feel like the temptation would be too great to stand. I have been holding off from dating til I feel like I can have that and not let it fall into the mouth of the monster. And my 'mouth' I mean my fucking cunt.  

And the thing is I still think EVERY DAY of just taking home some random guy so he can FUCK the shit out of me.

-Elizabeh