ok here we go,

I can't really tell you when my first thoughts about being a girl started to be quite honest. I do know that the first thoughts that I remember were from the summer before kindergarten.

The Chineese Girls Acrobatic troupe came to the grade school at which I was enrolled for the next season. When the girls came out and started their show, all I could think about was how revealing their leotards were, and how it would feel to be up there in front of so many people wearing one. I guess that’s where it all starts.

I tried on my first pair of panties shortly thereafter, and by the following summer I had a nice stash of outfits hidden away in my secret spot at the school down the street from where I lived. I would spend at least an hour everyday there in my hideout dressing myself up nice and pretty and fantasize about being at school hanging out with the other girls and playing with my hello kitty’s and all that good stuff.

By the first grade I was going to the library and scanning the advice columns in the newspapers trying to find out everything I could about what was “wrong” with me and why I had this need to be a girl. I did a huge amount of research for a first grader, probably more than I have done since, and learned all I could about crossdressing, transvestites, transsexuals, transgenders, hormones, srs and even learned that if it was to come up my fathers insurance,
(he worked for UC Berkeley) would e cover it. I was a busy little girl like I said.

Of course during that time I was also building my  wardrobe  by any means possible, from stealing panties from my friends sisters (I’m ashamed to say) to spending my allowance at the Goodwill across town. I couldn't look at anything feminine and not want to touch it or wear it or look like it.

By the third grade I knew all I needed to know as far as I was concerned anyway about my sexuality and who i was, and who I wanted to be that I was ready to tell my mother about my desires to be female. I was by this time venturing out of my little hide out all dressed up. For Short walks at first, then longer ones and eventually down to the shopping center ten blocks away where I would slip into the womens room at the department store there and pose in the full length mirrors plastered in the lounge area. I was also starting to fantasize about having sex like a girl, Something that I had learned probably more than i needed too about while investigating the whole transgendered thing. But thought of kneeling in front of one of the boys at school and taking his cock into my mouth was soooo exciting to me. A certain amount of it was about the humiliation of being a fag and a sissy, but mostly the thought of how it would feel, from the moment i kneeled down in front of him, to the point when he started spasming and convulsing as he unloaded his load into my mouth…..to what it would taste like and how it would feel to look him in the eye after it was all done. I was really into it and had by now decided that even if I couldn't find away to have a sexual reassignment that I would still have to dress like and have sex like a girl to be happy. In my fantasies I was calling myself a disgusting little fagot and tranny freak...it was always on my mind.

So I was going to talk to my mother about taking the next step, I had a presentation all set up with the references I had from the library and such and was ready. That’s when my parents announced I was going to live in Oregon with my Aunt for a year. For whatever reason I let this stop me from talking to my mother about my issues, but I did. I have since then decided this was my first strike, so to speak. It’ll come up again later.

The next year I was off to Oregon, to live on 61 acres with sheep and a horse and lots of mud and blackberries. I had my own room, it was my cousins room, (she was in Japan as an exchange student) with a dresser to put my clothes in and a nice comfortable bed( best

I ever slept on to this day) and a closet that i was told to stay out of.

The days were all about chores for the most part, walking the fence every night making sure  that none of the sheep had gotten stuck, (stupid sheep) Keeping the water troughs filled mucking the barn blah blah blah, and occasionally getting to swim in the river or even better fishing.

After about a month of falling into the new schedule school started. There was a 45 mile bus ride to get to class every day, so pretty much by the time i was home for school there was just enough time to tend the water and walk the fence before it got dark. My life consisted of riding the bus learning at school and doing chores. I was not happy.

But then something happened, shortly after I started school my aunt returned to her normal schedule. This included bible study and choir practice on thursdays, during which time I was left alone to tend to the sheep (stoopid sheep)do the chores and walk the fence. Of course this is when I finally opened the closet in my room.(we all know where this is going) Yes it was full of my cousins clothes…..everything in all different sizes from when she was in grade school till she left to Japan as a senior, from Sunday go to church dresses and gowns from her proms to work clothes and panties and frilly little outfits to sleep in. All of a sudden I had a whole evening to my self to dress up and walk around outside looking and feeling all pretty and feminine, things were looking up.

The rest of the year I spent as much time as possible dressed up, concentrating on being as feminine as possible, tucking my little package back to get that

perfect little V at my crotch, learning to lead with my hips when I walked, even occasionally dipping into my aunts make-up kit

My parents brought me home about halfway through the summer, when I got there I was surprised to find that they had converted an old shop in the backyard to a bedroom for me. Perfect, I immediately started building a wardrobe, spending every night after my parents were asleep dressing up and being pretty. Sneaking out on walks in the evenings to the shopping center or the local bowling alley, sometimes taking the bus or bart to Berkeley where i would strut around and enjoy the feeling of vulnerability and excitement of being a girl alone in the city.

No it was time to tell mom. I knew without any doubt what I wanted new it possible and that the time was now. So I started preparing another presentation getting my facts all straightened out and most of all building my courage up so that I could explain just how I felt and what I had learn in an intelligent and informing manner.

Of course before I got the courage or my resources together my mom was diagnosed with cancer. 5 months late she passed away, my father was devastated and any thoughts of coming out at home was gone. Me second strike.

This was the sixth grade now. My father was at work all day and was wore out and ready for bed by 8, I had unlimited freedom. I was going out every night in fem, jogging in the morning in my little short shorts and generally living the life so to speak. I was submerging myself in femininity as much as possible. Occasionally being overcome and ashamed I would purge all my girly stuff and tell myself I was done with being a girl and was turning over a new leaf. Of course with in a couple weeks I had more clothes and was walking the streets again.

During the following years through high school and beyond this was pretty much status quo.

Dressing up whenever possible, cutting school to come home and dress up (while fantasizing about being in school) and sneaking out for walks around town nor through Berkeley.

As I grew more and more happy during my girl time my fantasies grew more and more intense. I wanted so bad to have a man just take me and use me like a woman. I could imagine every little part of it,how it would feel both physically and mentally. I was playing with my ass and using vegetables from the garden as sex toys as I tried to make sure that I would be ready for the first time a man mounted me like a woman.

Didn't happen, at 21 I joined the Navy, partly because there was nothing good for me happening at home and partly with the hope of being “cured”.

Those six years were of course pure torture...spending months at a time on a ship full of young healthy sailors, seeing them naked day in and day out, not having anywhere to turn without some sort of unwanted stimulation.

I did maintain a wardrobe in a storage unit and dress regularly at hotels on the weekends, occasionally even venturing out for an afternoon at the park or a drink at the Brass Rail but otherwise just plugging along through my enlistment.

ok about this time I get really tired of the whole story. things pretty much were the same for the next 10 years? Doesn't matter the pattern is there, I was either living with someone or in a place that coming out or even going out was way too risky for me or whatever other reason i imagined kept me from living the life i wanted.

Fast forward to ohhh 3 years ago….

I was back in California my father had just passed away and I was living alone in the family house. For the first time in my life I had pretty much total privacy, a good chunk of money to play with and all sorts of time on my hands. This was my time. I had already built a nice wardrobe once again and done some poking around on the internet where I found the Friend Finder networks and the like as well as learned about Craigs list and the like.

Very little time passed before I had my pictures posted on Craigslist and was greeting a man at more door in my finest outfit ready to take the plunge. This was it after 40 something years of fantasies I was finally going to have sex. And I Did, and why it was nothing like I was expecting, it changed everything. I was still alive, the world hadn't came to an end, people went pointing and laughing and I had finally experienced my lifelong dream. Now I knew what could be.

Fast forward again to last year. The house has been sold...I am renting an inlaw unit and live alone with my dog. I have lots of money and nothing on my calendar. Now it’s really time. Having missed in my opinion anyway the two best chances of living my life like i wanted back in grade school(strike 1 &2) I was not going to do it again. I was 44 years old, and had just recently experienced sex for the first time. Now I wanted to experience GOOD sex, like I had been dreaming of all these years, like I knew was possible, like in my fantasies.

I started hooking up through AFF and a few times Craigslist ( the delivery service for sex}. About every 4 to 6 weeks I would hook up with a guy at a nearby hotel and just dive right in. But it never really happened for some reason, mostly because I think I was too timid maybe or just not confident enough to really express my sexuality. At least until last October when I hooked up with this guy, he treated me totally different. We hung out and talked for a long time, he treated me with respect and complimented me, and made me feel good just being around him.
Then we had sex…..wow just like I had been dreaming, it was like time stopped, my memories mostly consist a blur of unbelievable pleasure interrupted only by the occasional break to catch our breaths. Everything just fell into place, no fumbling no bumbling just incredible dream come true sex. Since then I have met with him a couple more times, every time it gets better, somehow. I have hooked up with a few other guys since then also, but it is different now. I am confident, I express myself much better than i ever thought i could as a woman, and evidently I put out an aura of sexuality that I never imagined I could possess. At least thats what I have been hearing from the guys I meet and the guys in the chat.I enjoy sex to every possible extent and I am good at it to boot.

During the last several months since I was enlightened? or maybe turned out is a better term in this case, I have become more and more comfortable as a female and spend close to %90 of my time as one. I have lost most of my fears being caught or outed, and find that the separation between my feminine side and my genetic side have blurred to the point that I wouldn't be surprised if the people around me already know about my feminine side, and just haven't bothered to mention it.

So now I am investigating what to do next with my life. I have to go back to work soon as the money is getting short, I know for sure I will never turn my back on my sexuality again and am leaning towards coming out and living full time as a woman. In many ways I can see it happening regardless of if I make the consciously decide to or not, It just kind of seems like thats where it is all heading at this point, and I am pretty happy with that.

So now I am basically seeking out people and places where I can grow and learn so I can be in a place where I can make good educated decisions,and I am not driven by sexual needs that blur my thoughts and make me do things I really wouldn't normally think about, or worries about what other people might think. Hopefully things will keep going forward and keep getting better from here, I guess time will tell.

Guess thats pretty much it….

   Don't think I have ever written anything this long in one sitting before,or ever for that matter.. Guess its easier when you are typing from your heart, not to mention from history. So thats it, my story at least one side of it anyway.