I will start of by explaining my distance from the porn industry for the past decade and that should lead us to where I am today. In my early 20's I started to dabble in porn. Playing with my kitty and watch sluts get their pussy split was best sexual experience I had  ever experience up to that point in life. That probably has something to do with me getting raped (but no Penetrating) at the age of 7 by my grandmas friend ( that was high on crack), or maybe it's  the fact my mother started to pimp me out at the age of 12 to her dealers, exchange for door. I'm not sure why I enjoyed playing with myself as much as I did. But I did and it captivated my life. It got to the point where I would rather flick my clit than have irl sex. Sex took too much energy and it couldn't keep up with imagination. I lived that way for a couple of years. Really until it got to a point I was doing things outside of my character to get off. That's if I could get off. After doing some research I realized my addiction was Hindering me. I gave up everything sexually to give my brain a time to reset. Well at least I tried to give it up. It took months due to the many triggers I had created. I would get so horny by the smallest things. A chick hair blowing in the wind, shirtless guys almost anything. But eventually I was able to give it up along with irl sex. And a couple weeks of being dry, my sexual satisfaction came back. I started to channel any sexual urge to watch porn into my irl sex. I would bounce on a cock as hard and as fast as I could to feel the pain to distract me from the thought of porn. I quickly became a sex addicted. Not the kind that had multiple sex partners but one that wanted cock in me constantly. And I have done that for the past decade  

 So why am I here now ? Well I have created a new obsession over the past months that is crippling me and causing me to be Dysfunctional. I knew from the beginning of our relationship ( boyfriend and I) that he had an addiction. It didn't take me long to realize that he experienced P.I.E.D . With time we found ways of working through it, until we found something that worked. He blamed the ED on age and life distractions. But what he didn't know is that I had already found his skeletons in the closet. The virtual addiction, the more I searched the more disturbing stuff I found. But instead of it   repulsing me , it turned me on to the point my pussy would throb . I would get so wet to rubbing my pussy to content he had recently watched.  Masturbating to his playlist would turn the hurt and betrayal into pure bliss. It was great, and most importantly it was working. Well up until a few weeks ago when I came across his profile on a local meet and fuck app. And it was devastating. I had thought about him hooking up irl but I never actually thought he would or plan on it. But I was wrong. All of the pain and hurt fueled the sexual beast that had been engaged for the past 10 years. It made me wanna be a slut but not a virtual slut but in real life. I wanted to be what he wanted and if I couldn't I wanted to be at least participating with him. But that's where the problem arises. He will not admit or open up to me on the subject, he rather leave me in the dark to wonder ( as I rub my pussy raw). So I came here in attempt to be able to enjoy him virtually, only to get ignored. I'm lost on direction. I'm hoping I get feed back on how to get him to let me in or maybe how to release my inner beast. So I guess I will go hunt down some of the porn he watched earlier as I edge his pillow.